A Day in the Life of
Anxiety and Adhd
It isn’t often I share specifics about my symptoms of mental illness. I exploit my hopes and dreams and sit back in embarrassment as they crumble to the ground before the eyes of my followers. The reality of that crushes my soul. Thankfully, I am blessed with a childlike spirit, powered by positivity, and I am made of rubber so I bounce back fairly quickly. Oftentimes with absolutely zero regret for the incomplete task. In fact, I rarely ever visit ideas again. I’m not sure if it is a gift or a curse. Today, we shall consider it a gift.
I am unaware if my symptoms of adhd are what wreak havoc on my life or if it is my debilitating anxiety. Please do not mistake this post as one chalk full of complaints. No. That isn’t what this post will be about. I am going to go in depth about specifics that affect my day to day ability to function. There is nothing funny about mental illness but in this post you will find that I make light of things. I even take jabs at myself when it comes to my quirks but one thing is for certain, if I didn’t have a sense of humor, I doubt I would have made it to 42. With that said, please do not take offense to how I process my afflictions. I know that I deal with extremely serious issues on a daily basis. Believe me. I am aware.
So. Where was I? Aw, yes. Anxiety. I do not social media but I peruse YouTube from time to time and I saw where multiple YouTubers videoed themselves and titled it, “In the day of the life of …”. Catchy, huh? Today we are going to pretend that I am recording my daily day but instead, I am going to write it! Yes!! Actually, I have the perfect plan of how I am going to approach this post and it can’t begin until I wake up tomorrow.
Tomorrow when I wake up, I will do my best to “capture” the thoughts that ruminate. The post will be chronological from morning throughout the afternoon, and into the evening. I will give “snapshots” of time. This may show when an idea forms, how it develops, and when it flops before I move onto another. Lol. I don’t know how it’s going to go but isn’t that a perfect example of trying to avoid anxiety or is it anxious thinking? I really don’t know. I will also document my physical gestures as I have a tendency to what I call tick. I twirl my hair, chew gum, spin on my toes, press one palm into the other … loads of distracting physical movements occur.
Oh shucks! I already feel like the day of documenting won’t happen because I have a lunch date and also need to make deliveries. I can’t wait to see how this plays out 😔. Until the morning!
I woke up feeling heavier than usual. Thoughts of a looming assignment. What was exciting last night turned dread in my sleep.
I know for a fact I do not have an assignment per se yet any commitment carries weight.
Time for coffee.
As I observe my thoughts, it appears that I am forming avenues of excuses. Shortcuts to lessen the load. I can identify this as anxiety. As I silently battle, I seek the positive. This follows negative self-talk. A routine I put into practice a few years ago. The positive I arrive at is, “This is a great way for others to learn about your disorders. Thank goodness you made this commitment or you wouldn’t be displaying the extreme symptoms that you are.”.
I began a new medication February third. I asked specifically for the kind that I am now taking because of the miracles it works for my sister’s anxiety. Last week during Louisiana’s lockdown (snowstorm), I acknowledged how well the medication is working for me. Being mindful of its capability I have reduced my angst and flipped the coin. To know that I have backup reinforces the fact that I am OK. I can ease my thoughts in regard to today’s project. I am proud of myself. But there is that voice in the back of my head that nags me. Humiliates me for … well, being honest about my reaction to commitment.
Off to Start My Day
Tick: Toe tapping.
The obsessive self-aware thoughts have significantly subsided. I am an hour behind on my self-imposed start time for deliveries yet this does not bother me. “I’ll start at 11”, I tell myself. Being that I am self-aware, I know that I can not function properly on an empty stomach. I allot an hour to consume a bite to eat before my lunch date at 1:00.
“Is this too much time for a quick bite? Shouldn’t you grab and go?”, I question. “Even if it is only a bite, I am being honest with myself about my lack of motivation in regard to work today.”.
The chatter is loud today. No more or less than most but louder.
I made my start time for delivering but I stopped 30 minutes sooner. Insert intrusive negative thought. “Shew fly”
As I anxiously await my lunch date with my baby momma, my daughter’s stepmother, I can tell a noticeable difference between excited anxiousness and commitment anxiety. I have a token of appreciation to give my date for her steadfast support. I am terrible at surprises. I have a habit of spoiling the surprise because I can’t contain my excitement. I seize every opportunity to give. Particularly personalized gifts. The fervency is in part for my 24 hour secret keeping and part anticipation for her reaction. I can’t wait!! I can barely contain myself! Eek!.
Tick: toe wiggling, gum chomping, foot rock
Lunch went swimmingly like always. I gifted her a set of Chakra stones and a mini incense burner with mini nag champa incense. We share a common interest in holistic healing. I will go as far as to say that is the common thread in which we’ve built our bond.
Now I am exhausted.
I popped into the hair supply store to grab some developer to bleach a few strands of my hair and into the art store next door. I walked out with a value set of canvases and six tubes of acrylic paint. I doubt I do anything else for the day. I’m calling it.
Tick: toe tapping, hair twirling
“A day in the life of anxiety and adhd!”
Over and out.