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Category: Life & Relationships

Go Ahead. I Dare You

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Hi! It’s me, Candace
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A Little Bit of This and That

👋 Hiya

Late February and early March I was struggling with my outlook on life. I am happy to announce that I have turned a corner and no longer see things too pessimistically. I was beginning to worry as Spring is the worst for my S.A.D. (Seasonal depressive disorder). I’m not in the clear yet but things are looking up.

I missed Monday Morning Mantra this week because I didn’t wake up until 2:45 pm which is insanity! That was followed by more sleep as I slept through the night. I knew when I woke Tuesday morning that I could not make it to work. I called in and took my butt to the doctor. After two shots in the hip and two scripts, I am feeling more like myself. I have been able to find the motivation to take care of some personal tasks such as getting new tires and paying my car note. Each of which is gratifying yet sucks.

Despite my crabbiness and illness, I am relatively hopeful. I no longer feel weighed down by boredom. For that I am grateful. Now on to taking care of taxes. Meh. I didn’t file 2020’s taxes because I didn’t work but I did get unemployment so I will file that with this year’s measly earnings. That’s always fun.

I’ve recently thought about participating in Blogging from A-Z which begins in April. I read the instructions and it seems simple enough but I do not believe I have the time to dedicate to it although that’s my reason for wanting to give it a go; to make time for blogging. I’ve slacked a lot when it comes to blogging. My analog system has become my primary writing space which I wrangled for years to upkeep but now that that is routine, blogging has taken a backseat. As I read over this update I realize that I severely lack any focus. That can be a big contributor to why I’ve not been blogging much as well. I don’t like being all over the map and I have been for some time now.

I have had a difficult adjusting period with my new medication. It works. So good I could be the posterchild of advertising, however, I am void of any personality. I guess that is ok for the masses but I quite enjoy being a big personality so come next month I am going to chat with my GP about reducing my dose so I can feel a little more like myself. I’ve mentioned this before but April can’t seem to get here soon enough. That sentence alone I’ve never spoken as April has a reputation for taking me down, literally. Perhaps if I welcome it, it will be kinder to me. Who knows? We’ll see.

Happy St. Patty’s day graphic

As far as falling behind on blogging is concerned, I am happy to say that typing this post has helped me to be less hard on myself. The difference between an analog system and blogging is the editing aspect which apparently I need. Last September 2021, I entered the hospital to stabilize. I haven’t been hospitalized in 10 years. Immediately after discharge, I was scheduled for a hysterectomy. The procedure itself went smoothly but the healing time was extensive. I was released to work on November 8th and I obtained employment on the 10th. I had a somewhat lengthy training because my hire-on was in the midst of the holidays but once that was complete, I’ve been busting ass four days a week since then. I was hired on as part-time but it rarely feels like it because of the amount of work involved per shift. I feel my age more than ever. I made it through Christmas and New Year intact and have rolled into now March but not without exhaustion, obviously.

As I added today’s date to my journal, I was taken back that St. Patty’s Day crept up on me without my realizing it. My father is an Irish immigrant and traditionally I celebrated my heritage decked out in green and glam. Let’s not forget the alcohol I consumed to make my celebrating proper. Well, it has been six years since I’ve drank myself into oblivion in the name of being of Irish descent and for that, I am truly humbled. Next month marks seven years of sobriety from alcohol. That blows my mind. In my days of struggling to get sober, I found it best to not count my days of sobriety as I had a tendency to celebrate and then start over counting. A counterproductive system I had in place. When I did away with the counting I was able to accumulate enough days to finalize my sobriety. Now here I am a month shy of seven years and I have no words to describe the journey. Actually, I do but I fear someone in early sobriety reading this saying fuck it because of my experience so I’ll keep it to myself. I will say the outcome has been worth the arduous journey.

I suppose ultimately this post was for myself as I’ve worked through some things differently than I am able to in my journal. It’s a bit all over the place so if you didn’t make it to the end, I understand. I am working toward finding my center and I appreciate your reading despite the lack of purpose. I suppose this post is a great example of mental illness trying to find its normal. Its place in this world. And for those that struggle too, I hope this post shows you that you are not alone. Every day isn’t all bubbles and butterflies. Sometimes it is just editing.

How have you been getting along?? Are you ready for Spring?

It’s Lost but Can Be Found

Sleep eludes me. My mental state seems to be deteriorating. It’s midday and I am taking seraquil to sleep. The sun shines bright but I don’t have much fight left to care. I am on day three of being off. I return to work tomorrow but today is exhausting. I haven’t done anything in a month. My life is an endless stream of unmotivated boredom. It’s days like today I wish I could wash away. I don’t like the thoughts that occupy my mind. They are bleak. All I want to do is sleep. So. I medicate. This isn’t the solution, I know. But I’ve already swallowed it whole. I feel out of control.

This cloud of numbness is familiar but dayum, will it ever go away? I feel like a slave to my moods. Each and every day. I question my discipline. I shit on motivation. I cuss my existence. Am I being overdramatic? Possibly. The news of a good friend being hospitalized hit me harder than expected. Perhaps because I myself am feeling low. I don’t know but I do hope she is able to find some resolve. Or relief.

I am not political. I do not watch the news. I do not do social media. Yet the news of war has reached me. Why? I am not asking you that per se but really, why? I feel the effects of it. I am sickened to even think that killing people is ever a good solution. It isn’t so why? Ugh. I’m done with that part. In fact, tomorrow is a new day. I’ll wait to see if what I have to say makes better sense.

New day. Same questions yet a better mind frame from which my thoughts stem. Today I am grateful for positive thinking. Instead of getting caught up in the why’s I am shifting my focus to the present moment. Right now. And right now, I feel better. I am grateful to have slept and found some relief from consecutive days of gloom. Is it just me or do days of dread last longer than days of joy? It seems that way. My head space wasn’t good at the beginning of this post, at all. As much as I hate putting negativity out into the ethereal, I had to get it out. Those ruminating thoughts are the thoughts that eat me alive if I let ‘em.

I began this post Monday and it is now Friday. Today is significantly lighter. What did I do? Nothing to write home about but I did carry my journal with me yesterday for some journaling and sketching on the go. I enjoyed it and will continue to carry it with me. That’s a small win. The sun is out after multiple days of rain, fog, and moisture in the air. That is a sign of better days ahead. Yay!

I am happy to end this rant of sorts on a better note. If your days have been a struggle I hope that today you are able to set your troubles down, take a look around, and be present. I know that that too can be a bit of a battle but wherever you are, you can do it. You deserve it. Take a deep breathe. Exhale. Repeat. That’s where I’m at today. How about you?

The Sun is Coming

‘Ello

Spring. Ahhh, Spring.

As Spring approaches we are reminded of life, flowers, and bright sunny days. That is safe to say for the majority of the population, however, Spring is when I am affected by S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). Typically I do not welcome the Spring except this year feels different. I welcome it. I feel it in my bones as necessary. Oddly in part to feeling gloomy, which is off season-wise, and in part to a mundane routine.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the top 100 lifestyle blogs. I did so that I could answer the question, what is a lifestyle blog? for myself. I concluded that the things they had in common were fashion, decorating, cooking, and parenting. Some with their niche added and to set them apart. This made me proud to define myself an unconventional lifestyle blog. Why? Well because lifestyle blogs discuss life’s surface-level things whereas I discuss more intimate aspects like mental health, well-being, and personal growth. More interpersonal things.

I am not falling back into comparison. No worries. But what I am trying to do is define my why. Why do I blog? What drives me to continue? What steps can I take to expand? Are my motives selfish? What is my definition of successful concerning blogging? Can I attain such standard of success? How do I get there? With so many questions and so few answers I started there with defining why I consider myself to be an unconventional lifestyle blog. I am happy to arrive there without getting stuck in comparison.

I am determined to do something and blogging plays an integral part yet I don’t know why or how much. I want to offer services. What type? I kinda have an idea but that will be revealed to my subscribers before here on the blog. So subscribe why don’t ya?!?!

Concerning communicating via email, Mailchimp was not able to give me access to my other account despite me having all of the information needed to gain access because of 2-factor authorization. Never again will I use that security measure and honestly, I am debating on switching from Mailchimp to Mailer Lite. No worries, if you subscribe, I will transfer you if I make the switch.

Other than that, I am dry creatively. I can’t think of things to write about. I don’t have the patience to craft. All I do is read and scroll. I enjoy the reading part, the scrolling, not so much. I haven’t been presented with any new life lessons. I must say this is a first. At best my life has always been chaotic. Or I have been. There has always been a buzz around or with me and since I got on this new medication, Abilify, none of that is the case. I get an injection once a month and while I do enjoy the peace, I miss my spunk. Unfortunately, that is accompanied by anger and anxiety so the trade-off may not be worth stopping the medication. Plus my boyfriend may kick me out if I do 😂 He enjoys calm Candace. I on the other hand am bored. Bored with it all.

Back in Business?

Back in the Saddle again🎶

Learning Curve

So…this thing happened. I fixed my laptop!! I am not too certain I deserve any credit, however, I am using it now after almost a year of going without but I do give myself credit for having the patience to follow the steps provided and lookie here.

I am operable 🙂

Now I have to bebop off to work for seven hours 😩 It feels much better having the keys to press using all of my fingers instead of only my thumbs. I’ve always enjoyed typing. There is going to be a learning curve most definitely with the blocks but I am up for the challenge. Certainly WordPress didn’t modify to make things harder on us, right? I’d like to think not.

The Day After

When I got off work last night and was fooling around with my computer, I realized my settings was that of a woman in crisis. Everything turned off. No access to anything except the internet. It also wouldn’t update Windows so I had an inkling something was off there. I think I deleted Windows somehow or something like that. Please forgive my lack of intelligence as far as computers are concerned. I sound like a babbling, confused person because I am!! I searched for the control panel and nothing was there. Perhaps I did delete the operating system, still not sure but I did find my way to reset and reinstall.

Fingers crossed it just restores it back to it’s original out-of-the-box settings. I had already deleted most everything on there so this isn’t a big deal for me like it would be for most others. And…which!! Back in business. Brand new business. I just saved myself $250! Yay!!

Update

On a more personal note, I have been doing okay. I don’t say good because honestly, there’s not been much of any good happening (other than my laptop). Just work and home and work and home. I can’t stand for my days to be like that. I enjoy the freedom of not working. I’m sure many of you can agree. Many of the folks I associate with say they have to work to feel like they are contributing. To what, idk and don’t really too much care. I’ll go as far as to say that I am stable which is far from my normal, therefore, making me normal?? Perhaps that is why I am bored with the routine of my days.

My daughter turned 20 on February 6th. I caught a 24-hour stomach bug that was hell on me for two solid days. I literally couldn’t lift my head on Sunday forcing me to miss my daughter’s annual birthday dinner. That added to my sickness. I am an alcoholic mom. I get no sick days. I used those up in my drinking days. So the guilt says which is stupid because who feels guilty for catching a projectile vomiting bug?!?!?! Meh.

Despite the tone of my update, I am o.k. Again, nothing too noteworthy to discuss so I’ll wrap it up. How’s your week gone?

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