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Evaluating Friendships

It is a new year and with that comes change.  We organize our life, set goals and lose the weight but what about our friendships?  Our relationships impact and influence our direction in life. As the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together.  But are you in the flock with your friends?

Let’s face it, if you made the decision to go vegan in 2019 it will not help that each time you go to dinner at your best friend’s house she is serving wild game.  So while we are clearing out the energy for new beginnings, let’s evaluate our friendships to decide which box they go in.

Is it ever ok to interject?

Having relationships is the key to human growth.  We learn from each other, lean on each other, and love one another.  Experiencing life with someone encapsulates what it means to be human.  It is a connection that we most naturally desire, being a part of, belonging.

In our relationships, it is a priority to set personal boundaries.  These boundaries are allowed to vary on an individual basis.

Candace Lynne

Boundaries are two things:

  1. Respect
  2. Necessary

We have all experienced the loss of friendship and while some were easy to let go of, others not as much.  Through sadness, grief, birthdays and milestones our bonds are strengthened or in the absences of, lessened.  Respect is the utmost pedestal compliment you can ever receive or give in a friendship.

You will find that in this post I use the terms relationship and friendship interchangeably and that is because they are one and the same.  A friendship is a relationship in our lives that requires maintenance. In relationships, we have a role, to recognize this is a guarantee for a healthy, long-lasting friendship.

Individual Opinions & Sharing

The heading of this post was a foreshadowing to this section.  This section is interactive and presents questions that we may ask ourselves in order to determine, is it ever ok to interject your opinion.  I encourage using the comment section to discuss what you came up with.

Most of us, especially women, have been in the classic situation of giving friendly advice when we see that our friend is in a toxic relationship.  This is assuming he or she came to you with a problem and asked for help in finding a solution.

  1. Do you point out the obvious?  That regardless of this isolated incident, the relationship is doom for failure?
  2. Do you dig up past events that are similar to this situation and point out patterns?
  3. Do you listen and let your friend work it out on their own with your guidance?
  4. Do you make excuses regardless of right or wrong in defense of your friend?
  5. Do you stay out of it?

In my personal experience, this has been a challenge for me.  A true struggle. Regardless of my friend’s attachment or feelings, I have let loose with my observations and it has caused a strain in my friendships.  After years of practice, I came to the conclusion that my friends are going to do whatever they want to do. It is best that I keep my opinions to myself even if I have been asked.  This seems to be the safest way of respecting their decisions but also allowing them a space to vent without judgment.

Of course, it goes to say that there are a million scenarios, some more serious than others.  How do you know when to intervene? Here is my view: the only time you have the right to step in is when there are children involved.  If the children are being physically abused, neglected or suffering any type of abuse, you as an adult speak on behalf of the child involved. First, confront your friend and from there get the authorities involved.  Who cares if you lose a friend at that point. The damage being done to the child can end with you. You cannot assume the child is in danger you must be 100% sure they are unsafe before reporting.

What if your friend is being physically abused?  You listen. You drop clues for counseling. Invite them to educate themselves on the forms of abuse.  Whatever you do, do not get in the middle of it. They will choose the abusive relationship over the friendship every single time.  In order to respect your own boundaries, you may have to walk away from the friendship until they get out of the abusive relationship.  This does not guarantee they will leave but it is necessary you govern your boundaries.

Are you still wondering when you interject?  You don’t! If it is something you cannot tolerate, you walk away.

Quality of Friendship

Is your friendship healthy or toxic?  How do you determine?

Below are qualities seen in a healthy friendship

  • Supportive of decisions
  • Accepting of each other’s faults
  • Do not judge one another
  • Encourages growth
  • Defend each other’s character
  • Does not gossip about the other
  • Gives honest feedback
  • Loyal
  • Respectful of boundaries
  • Honest
  • Dependable/ Reliable
  • Trustworthy
  • Open communication

As you can imagine, toxic friendships offer the opposite qualities.  Toxic friendships can be obvious to some yet hidden to others. We may not realize that it is our closest and longest friendship that are holding us back.  Limiting beliefs, fear of judgment and unadvised opinions can dictate a bond that needs to be severed.

A good way to know if you have a toxic friend is by writing down how they react to certain situations.  Are they the nagging reminder of a failed project? When you achieve a goal, are they there to celebrate?  Have you ever been at lunch with this particular friend and gone into the bathroom to find a piece of black pepper in your teeth?  That is a sure way of knowing if they are for you or in competition with you.

Letting go

Easier said than done but letting go of a few friendships will do you no harm.  How much you want to bet they barely notice? That is what is sad. Many people claim to be your friend in the company of others yet they do not call, make lunch dates, or even text.  

By no means am I the perfect example of a friend.  I allow physical distance to separate me from them and once I arrive at home, I do me.  My friends and I designated Thursdays as our hang out day. We did really well the first month and after that, it has been hit or miss.  Luckily we see each other at work but if it wasn’t for work I’m not sure how often we would see each other. 

In 2018, after a year of distance, I had to let go of my lifelong best friend not because of me but because of her.  She refuses to seek mental health assistance and I made the toughest decision ever.  I separated from her and in doing so I realized it was me who kept our friendship alive.  Her selfishness had reached its apex and I, although sad, have felt relief.

The thing is is that we each have our own lives but it is important to set aside time for those in your life who truly matter.  Because if they were to die tomorrow, you would regret not doing so. Death is the only certain in life.  Do yourself a favor and evaluate your friendships and say goodbye to those that no longer serve a purpose in your life.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve

Communication. A Learning Curve in Personal Growth

The ugly parts of personal growth.

Raw Emotion

When reintroducing Revenge of Eve I made the decision to not get as personal. A lot of things contributed to this decision but as I sit here struggling, crying and…sad, I question if blogging is still beneficial for my mental health. I no longer compare my site to others but knowing some people read to be nosey sketches me out. Which in hindsight permits me from sharing the rawness of my life. That is why I became so immersed in blogging because it helped me to get it out. A bouns has been receiveing amazing support from the community and to be given the opportunity to see things differently.

As it stands I don’t feel the same about blogging as I once did. I knew this would happen. I’m not suggesting that I am giving up or quitting rather needing to reevaluate my why behind blogging. I lost it.

I want to talk about how I lost my shit on someone last night without being embarrassed. I’ve felt humiliated all day. And sad… Damn. I’m hurting right now and have nowhere to turn. As the tears stream down my face, it is as though they have been waiting for this moment. You know the tears you can’t hold back? They literally pour from your tear ducts, that type of crying. It is cleansing, healing and healthy.

Rejection & Reason

We discussed my Love Affair with Rejection and I had last blocked my friend’s number, right? Wrong. I would check the blocked message log and he would have called or text multiple times. I would reply a day later blah, blah. Playing head games with myself (he wasn’t even aware…damn, I’ve got issues). I believe I learned my lesson. I resorted to the me that disgusts me. Insulting, accusatory, jealous, insinuating, conniving…. This guy was an innocent bystander on my self-destructive path. No, he wasn’t any good for me but there was no need for all that. We’ve actually built a sort of friendship for over a year and I ruined all of that in one night. I didn’t want a relationship with him but I did enjoy our friendship.

I was shown that I am far from ready for a relationship. It feels a little like two steps forward, three steps back. But isn’t this what I wanted? No contact with him because of my attraction to rejection? Whelp, I got it. Knowing I could never look at him again, I deleted his number and late tonight he asked that I delete his contact. Done. Legit this time. And deleted the blocked messages so I couldn’t access his number through there, deleted recent call log, all of it.

Immediately instead of admitting “I am sad” I wanted to bring up all of the instances I had caught him in a lie but it wasn’t worth it because I’ve known all along what it was about. I said eff it, I told him I was sad, he didn’t care. I allowed his angry response as I felt that is what I deserved. Little does he know how mad at myself I am. How ashamed I feel about the way I acted all because I was told no. I didn’t expect him to react so angrily because I made sure to choose my words in a manner that my message got across without me saying the exact words. Ya know, the passive aggressive side of who I am.

Although there is a mix of old me and new me throughout the whole situation, I am proud that I took his response as his, not as a reflection of who I am. I owned my mistake and apologized regardless of my opinion on the words “I’m sorry” and I only uttered those meaningless words because I meant them. Most of all I am proud that I owned my feelings. Of course he doesn’t realize how big of a deal this is for me especially at this point in my life. I considered writing and telling him ( duh, I write better than I speak), but the last text I sent said, “Thank you. I hope you realize we all make mistakes”. I deleted our text thread.

I am sad about it all. The way I acted, the way he responded, his lack of forgiveness, the lesson in the mistake, and the way “it” ended. My list of friends to call on in times like these gets shorter each time I go back to it. My trust issues are being exposed and as of right now, I am a mess. A sad, lonely mess! Then I question if I have my blog to release all of this emotion too and I am met with, well, do you? Most certainly I have a journal I could write in privately but that defeats the need for feedback.

A New Dawn

Rereading over this I see how it helped to write it. After a day of thoughts chasing each other I wrote this and went to sleep. Waking I still feel emotionally hungover but I do feel better about the situation. That is all it takes sometimes. Writing things out, getting it out of your head and admitting once again you failed.

Failed in the sense that I acted as I did years ago before I decided to put effort into working on me. I didn’t realize how quick the nasty side of me could emerge but it did and the result wasn’t pretty. So today instead of beating myself up and reliving it all, I will do something I haven’t done in a long while. I am going to give myself a manicure and pedicure and lay in bed and watch a movie. I am always working on something, the blog, crafting or working. Not today. Today I am going to make it about me. I need pampering and well, I am all I have.

The Rainbow after the Storm

I was met with a surprise in my mailbox from Cyranny! I can’t wait to open it and see the goodies she picked up for me on her travels. Thank you sweet Cyranny. I appreciate you thinking of me along your travel journey.

Aww, Cyranny! Y’all, she had beautiful cards made up for her blogging friends and I feel so special to have been chosen to receive one. She also included a map and some other bits and pieces of tickets and a receipt. Many people use vintage ephemera in their artwork but I have begun adding the epherema I have received from my friends. While it isn’t yet vintage, it is treasured. I made the cutest card to slide next to my daughter’s picture in my Sophie, passport travelers notebook, using stickers and stamps from Ashley’s mail. I think it turned out really cute. The card itself is also something Ashley picked up while on vacation

If you happen to travel throughout the year, I would love to receive any paper you collect from your travels. Ideas are ticket stubs, brochures, stamps, pamphlets, maps anything you decide to keep and send 🙂


As far as getting too personal on my site, I don’t think it is so much that as it is being embarrassed for doing the same things over and over expecting a different result. That’s the definition of insanity. Here’s the thing though, I never realized I was doing these things until recently when I began to look for unhealthy patterns. I should not be ashamed to share that humanness side of me. That fear is something I was raised with, what goes on in our home stays in our home type mentality and I will push past that fear and share when I need to. This space is dedicated to my growth not what a perfect human being I am. It is here I am able to release all that no one in my world seems to understand, or better yet, I do not know how to communicate. So for whatever reason you find yourself reading my posts, do so with the knowledge that I am learning.

Can It Really Be Considered Progress?


The only thing I can honestly say about relationships is that I have had my fair share of toxic, broken, manipulative ones. Looking at my situation from my point of view I am impressed that I survived. I am also impressed by my growth.

I put emphasis on growth because when it comes down to it, I am only attracted to the bad boys with a record and prison tatts. My interpersonal relationships have blossomed and produced fruits of love, laughter, and compassion…compromise. Yadayada.

But, is being single actual growth? Especially when I am not one to have intimate relationships in the first place and the ones I do have extend for years and years and years (they seem to drag out). My relationship record can be described using one word; painful. I do not have the best track record. Jealousy, greed, alcohol, lust….all the bad stuff, have ruled my idea of love.

The true progress can be seen in my interpersonal relationships with close friends and family. The most recent example of this would be the separation from my lifelong best friend. It was for me. Throughout the 30+ years of our relationship, I was the giver never to receive. Her selfishness became extreme and her sickness has grown. What sickness? Her mental state is deteriorating and she refuses to seek professional advice. It feels like abandonment but for the first time in my life I committed to sticking to my boundaries and did so.

What I find difficult is trusting myself with getting into a relationship. I don’t think I am ready but do we ever know when we are? I am perfectly content being alone single. The only thing that is lacking is the obvious, sex. The abundance of sexually transmitted diseases makes it challenging to sleep with random guys. I was lucky and had a “friend” but he moved away and now there is one I have been talking to for a year, off and on, that I finally met up with. I know he is no good for me. I’ll say that.

Can it be considered progress-Revenge of Eve

At this moment I find myself more interested in giving dating chance but how does someone who has never “dated” date? Times are different from when I was growing up. I do not get out of the house enough to randomly meet someone and I don’t dare enter the shark infested waters of online dating. I am limited in my options. Honestly, when I think of having to care how someone else feels, I am turned off by the idea. It is exhausting to maintain a relationship (see paragraph one). If given a semi-decent man I am afraid I would ruin him with my lack of trust in the man species as a whole.

I don’t have faith there are good ones out there. I’ll be truthful and say even if there are, I wouldn’t be attracted to them (see paragraph two). Compromise seems like a great suggestion but for what? Compromise sex for the title? I couldn’t. Maybe if they were a reformed bad boy… At 40 years old I’m not too sure I have hope in the arena of intimate relationships.

I have always gravitated towards younger guys. But I don’t want to be older than my “other half”, anymore. I am ok with my age but I do not want to constantly be reminded of it. Realistically I am not yet whole and just began my journey towards self-love and it is possible I was the problem all along. I take credit for my role in the toxicity of my failed relationships but is that all it takes to move on? Acknowledging your role? I have a long road that awaits and the idea of a partner to join me both sounds tempting and repulsive.

Throughout my life, I have been more productive in being alone. Being in a relationship has been more of a distraction than anything. When I am in one I tend to lose myself, albeit I’ve not found who that self is. Perhaps the pressure I feel from deciding to discover who I am has subliminally planted the desire for a relationship and I am not falling for it!! I refuse to enter into a partnership with the mindset I’ve always had. It consumes me in an unhealthy way that leads to paranoia, jealousy, and often rage. It’s time I put all that effort into myself and not experience those dramatic emotions once and for all.

That fact I am now able to recognize all of this is where progress can be seen. I am pleased with that. It is enough. I am enough.

Candace Lynne - Revenge of Eve