In Honor of Mental Health Awareness Month: My Experience

Here at Revenge of Eve we openly discuss mental health. While I am not a resource for maintaining mental health, I suffer from mental illness. I am not ashamed to have multiple diagnoses.

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If you are interested, you can find my story here and here.

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With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I decided to discuss ways I get on with life, thriving despite my mental illness.

Creativity

If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you know I am an avid journal writer. I enjoy using my journal to write my daily activities, thoughts, and plans. I also like to explore my creativity using handmade journals. I am fortunate that my stationery obsession and paper craft hobby collide. Because of this I have many materials to choose from when I want to create.

I collect ephemera and add it to my handmade journals with memos to remind me of the activity or reference it’s origin. Documenting life this way helps me to slow down. Having the tactical items to look back on brings immense joy to my day.

Every Monday I draw cards from multiple decks to help guide my week. From these decks two are affirming and encouraging. You may be familiar with my drawings as I share them here with y’all! The series Monday Morning Mantra is a weekly drawing but a daily reference. I write each phrase, an affirmation and an encouragement, daily in my journal. I use the cards to guide my week. If I find myself struggling with negative thoughts or self-talk, I refer to the cards drawn. It is a practice that works wonders on my mindset 🤓

Self-Care

Believe it or not but journaling is an avenue of self-care. It is the number one way I tend to myself. While I journal I am mindful, present, and actively honoring my thoughts, ideas, and desires. Self-care is often sold as pampering oneself and while that can be considered self-care, there is far more work involved in caring for yourself. Through the years of learning to love myself I learned it takes some elbow grease but once you’ve loosened the years of excess, the gunk wipes away easily. Metaphorically speaking.

Journaling is part of my daily self-care routine. Other ways I take care of myself are by saying no when I cannot commit to something. Albeit whether it’s because I don’t want to or if I can’t, it doesn’t matter. Learning to say no without an explanation has made a positive impact on my life.

I typically do my own manicures and pedicures 1. because it saves money and 2. because I have been professionally trained to do so but recently I paid to enjoy the experience. I started a new job in November and as a reward for sticking it out I paid to have a natural manicure and a pedicure. It was the best $65 ($75 with tip) I’ve spent all year!!

Routine

Having a routine is important for our mental health. This isn’t to say that you can’t stray but having a guided timeline for your day is helpful for everyone’s mental stability.

My mental stability is provided by medication, however, having a rough timeline to follow plays a huge role. I wake at the same time, work the same hours, and go to bed about the same time every night. My coffee and food intake habits are sparse throughout the day. Same as other activities; journaling. Trying to balance those is enough to keep me afloat and productive. I try to limit my scrolling time. Some days are better than others.

Relationships

A huge factor of living with mental illness comes down to support. I receive support from my family. Not financial rather emotional. They challenge me, trust me, encourage me, and most importantly, they listen to me. It hasn’t always been this way though. Having a mood disorder and addictions aren’t the easiest variables to deal with. There have been many misunderstandings, wrong assumptions, and unknowingly, enabling. Luckily we pushed through the difficult times and came out on the other side.

Friendships are an important part on thriving with mental illness. Various forms of relationships can apply. You may have made friends via the internet or it can be a friend that you have in the physical world. Support is support and it can be shown through a variety of routes.

Medication

And last but not least; medication. Having bipolar 1 (rapid cycling) means I have elated and depressed moods that shift frequently. These highs and lows can reach dangerous levels when not medicated. Mania (high) often involves impulsivity, irritability, anger, and grandiose ideas. Whereas with depression comes suicidal ideation, oversleeping, overeating, and numbness. These are general symptoms and those I cope with the most.

My medication, when taken correctly, stabilizes the influx in moods. It gives me a baseline that I cannot achieve without it. The unfortunate side effects of my medication are hypoglycemia and I cannot spend time a lot of time in the sun. I am also prone to boredom and feeling flat. My passion for life is nonexistent. That is the worst side effect but it is something I cope with so that I can function as a member of society, ie: work 😒

So how about you? How do you thrive despite mental illness? Do you or someone you love struggle with mental illness?

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Here I Go…

Come on Already

Having felt some type of way before Christmas, I can say that I feel much worse today. My frustrations are amplified by lower back pain. Add to that, work. I am over the damn holidays. Maybe this can be attributed to hormones as well. I don’t know. But isn’t it easy to have something to blame when you aren’t feeling up to par?

I work at a 24-hour restaurant where you could say the occasional drunk likes to visit. I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with many as I get off at 9 pm but it is New Year’s Eve and I expect to run into a few. One may assume that because I was a bartender for 22 years that I am accustomed to the crowd that is…well, obnoxious. And I am or I was. Today doesn’t seem to be tolerable for me. I want to call out. My back is jammed and I can barely move without sharp pain taking my breath away. But calling out would mean losing my job or going to the doctor for an excuse which may need to happen considering my level of pain. However, I tell myself to push through.

I am ready for day-to-day life to be back to normal. Or should I say our new normal? I’ve adjusted well to a slower pace. Perhaps that is why the holidays have exhausted me. The hurried frenzy to buy, wrap, prepare, give, cook…sheesh!! Typing it wore me out. Maybe I am being overdramatic. That’s a possibility too except not about the pain I am experiencing.

I ask myself if this is worth publishing and if I am being honest, no. The only purpose it serves is my venting. It may validate someone who is feeling as crappy as me but I doubt it. If anything I sound like a whiney hiney. I need some pep in my step because no amount of bitching stops the clock. I soon have to be of service to hungry customers who don’t give a damn if I am in pain, rightfully so. I should have called out yesterday for today’s shift and taken my ass to the doctor. But I didn’t and I have no one or nothing other than myself to blame.

It’s days like today I wish I followed through with my disability case. I keep telling myself to call and check the status but I haven’t. Meh. And blah. And whaaaaa!! 😂 okay, I feel a little better. Off to work I go!

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Funny story: tomorrow is New Year’s Eve 😩

An Oxymoron

Random Thoughts

Free-flowing thoughts breathe creativity. As I sit in my studio I can’t help but laugh at the oxymorons that are me. As of late, I think in my studio and write in bed. I read in my studio and draw in bed. I sit in my studio and look around. I find joy and inspiration in my studio and I create in my bed. And oh yeah, my favorite color is red.

Before I know it I will sleep in my studio and eat in bed. Sheesh. That I’ll dread. No one wants to create while sitting on crumbs in their bed!! Soon enough these random thoughts will be out of my head. I doubt they stop when I am dead. Thoughts whirlwind, circle, and orbit all-day long never to stop for breakfast, not even a mid-day song.

Thoughts of business, entrepreneurship, and desires for success bounce around. I bet I look like a clown if my thoughts were outside and around. What if thoughts made a sound? Or appear round? Ahhh, profound. Would they be considered thoughts having fallen to the ground? Stop this madness and talk around.

Thoughts come and they go. They free flow. In and about, around and out. A spigot or a spout. Linger thoughts of doubt. I am not going that route! Shout. Shout. Let it all out. These are the thoughts I will go without. So come on 😉 I’m talking to you.

Creative Magic

Magic

Create

Isn’t a command

Magic lends no hand

Ahem

Paint

She flicks her wrist

Without a brush is only a wish

She double-checks her circling motion

Curious if it was a mistake she opt-out of concocting a potion

Ahem

This time tapping her foot

Create

She demands

Nothing but a puff of soot

Taken back, she takes another look

Promising

Opening the spellbook her spidey senses are shook

Hmmm

In not so fine print it warns,

Creativity is free. Not to be cast upon thee

Scoff, how has it missed me?

About Me: the Weird Stuff (this will be fun)

I was recently given kudos for the contents of this post by a new follower, shout-out Rochdalestu, so I figured while I am updating it, I may as well repost it for any other new followers of R.O.E.. If any of you are curious about the blogger behind the scenes, this is a personal as it gets!! Enjoy.

I am going to spice things up around here and share a few annoying, weird…simply Candace traits that make me…well, Candace 🙂

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It’s me!

Stay Tuned for the next episode: According to Others! …oh, no…wait a minute!! I quit giving a fuck about what others think of me a long time ago 🙂 Carry on.

Squirrel

1. Before I can even begin to complete an idea, I am on to the next episode of it (Perfect example above). And apparently, life plays like a movie reel in my mind. CUT?! If I remember my dreams they usually end with To Be Continued… just like some television shows used to do.

Dog Dialogue

2. At home, we have four small dogs. A toy Maltese, J baby, a terrier, Ruger, a pom, Remi, and last but not least, Tater, our pound pup. It sounds like a lot but all of them together equal two dogs so it’s not so bad. The best part, none of them shed. Oh, yeah…dog dialogue. I spend a lot of time at home and it’s usually just me and the dogs – chill’n. The majority of my life I have created voices for our animals and boy do these four have a lot to say!! It has become a running joke that the dogs and I are Paw Patrol. We give out citations for my sister’s all-nighters, leaving me with her two fur babies and their kennels – we call jail. 😂 I know, I know…what a life but if you can’t entertain yourself, no one can.

Coffee Calls

3. Roughly two years ago, I picked up drinking coffee. I have two cups in the morning and two in the evening, around 4 pm. I have always enjoyed the flavor of the warm, sugary goodness but my preference leaned more toward ice coffee. I wasn’t an everyday drinker by any means. Well, one day I decided, what the hell, what’s one more addiction?!? I had a cup of hot coffee and haven’t looked back. It is likely I quit drinking it on the daily though because I do not want to stain my pearly whites.

Nobody puts Candace in the Closet

4. I am severely claustrophobic. No small spaces!! I cannot do small spaces. I prefer rooms with more than one exit. I am so claustrophobic that it is the source of much of my anxiety. A few examples being…if I share a bed with someone, I cannot sleep facing toward them. It feels like they steal my breath. When I sleep, I have to fold the corner of my pillow under so it doesn’t swallow my face and suffocate me. If someone stands to close to me in line at the store, I have to step to the side of the line. My heart races and I feel as though I am being pushed with nowhere to go. And don’t you dare think pinning me down for a game of tickle is ever a good idea. In such a case, you are likely to lose a limb. And my fave, do not call me rude because I do not want to hug. Please. I understand that is some people’s way of exhibiting their admiration for you but it makes me extremely uncomfortable because again, face to face breathing, chests touching and I don’t even really know who you are…no. Just please, no. A handshake or dap works for me or if you are ancient, a high five will do.

RBF

5. Resting bitch face is real. When I feel anxious, which is the majority of the time, I hold my breath. I am sure this contributes to the claustrophobia but nonetheless, I hold my breath. This leaves me no little time to worry about how my face looks (typing that was weird). I am also a mouth breather and in order for me not to walk around, mouth agape, I must focus on the in through your nose, out through your mouth breathing technique or else I’ll turn blue (really, not really). I’ve had the habit of holding my breath my whole life. Growing up I often held my breath to get what I wanted. If Ma said no, I would hold my breath until I got it. That is until one day our neighbor came over and popped my mouth which made me gasp for air. She saw that my mother was struggling with me and my breath-holding tactic and decided she could take no more. She popped my mouth and just like that, I was forced to breathe. My Ma said I gave that woman go to hell look each time I saw her after that and never spoke to her again. I was three, y’all. Three.

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Sniffaurus

6. It’s true, I sniff most everything. For some odd reason, I have to smell almost everything. But the tragic thing about being a mouth breather is if it is a bad smell, I taste it before I smell it – ewe is right. I guess I use my sniffer as a memory tool. I will smell the oddest of things but my favorites are magazine pages, freshly sharpened wood pencils, laundry detergent, lemon, and bleach. I like the smell of markers but since I picked up coffee, I decided I’d leave the markers alone 😂😂

Candace. Not Candy.

7. Candy is sweet. I am not. Yes, I can be a sweet, caring person but my name is not Candy. Nothing is worse than introducing yourself just to have the person rename you. I get it, some people shorten their name and go by a nickname. Cute. But if I introduce myself as Candace, I want to be called Candace, damn it. Not Candy.

Always Right

8. If I speak about a topic it’s because I know about it. The saying she’s always right applies to me when I speak – hear me out – I only speak if I can add value to the conversation. No, I am not perfect or a know-it-all but I was born with an underline intelligence as my gift. That sounds cocky but it is something I’ve always been told. It isn’t in every subject, only those that interest me and I use my intelligence to correct others when they are wrong. Not to humiliate them rather inform them. That isn’t to say that I haven’t crushed a few egos with my witchy charismatic intelligence but it’s not always my intentions. If I decide I want to learn about a subject, I can read a little about it and somehow unfold the rest of the information on my own. That to me is common sense. As far as “common sense” goes, I have none. None. I do not get jokes, I do not entertain small talk or gossip, and if I were stuck in a brown paper bag, that’s where you’ll find me the next morning!! Don’t argue with me either because I will argue with a wall.

Tall. Not Big.

9. There is a difference. As a woman, the last adjective I want to be used to describe me is big. I’m almost positive this minuscule aggravation was picked up from hearing my Ma say, she’s tall, not big, my whole life, however, tis is true. I am tall, 5 foot 10 inches to be exact. I am not big. My build is considered a medium build with broad shoulders, big boobs and from the belly button down, I am small. Ya know, like a triangle 😂😂 My ankles and feet are so small that guys in high school used to ask me how your lil bitty feet hold ya body up Candace? Hahaha. If they had paid a lick of attention, they’d seen this size 7 doesn’t do so well 🙁 as I am prone to tipping over while standing still.

Contradicting Candace

10. Love/hate, angry/optimistic, excited/anxious, and too many others to mention. I have a love/hate relationship with about everything in life. I love people for what they don’t love about themselves. Often times this leads to them embracing said trait yet I hate strongly dislike how others feel as though it’s necessary to point out my shortcomings. I know where I lack. Believe me, I know. I am an empathetic person who doesn’t sympathize with anyone. People do not surprise nor impress me. I do not trust a single soul. No, not one. Not even myself. But if I trust you enough to allow you in my life, I have a tendency to overshare which has resulted in ammunition for when we fell out. Doesn’t bother me though because I am an open book. Some things sting but most, I don’t give too much time to. If I ask your opinion, I want an honest answer. If I don’t ask your opinion, I don’t want it. It’s as simple as that. Depending on the day, you could be told about yourself for sharing your unsolicited opinion or we could have an in-depth convo about it. Ya never know with me. They say this is common in the personality type I’ve tested to be, an INTJ. If you click on that link you’ll discover that I am of the rarest personality type there is. Oh, it’s just wonderful being me. Ugh!!!! My personality type represents only 4% of the population which can only mean one thing…I will be misunderstood for the rest of my life😣 Yay. Fuck’n yay.

And as promised…my rbf

RBF. It’s real!

It’s always been said that if you want my honest opinion, tell me or ask me when we are together because my face will tell all. I speak with my eyes and if I don’t look at you, I don’t entertain your type. Some say snobby, I say selective. And you know what I said about when I speak 😉😂 (reference #8)

For Kicks

(and because I don’t do even numbers)

11. Chatty Candace. I can always be heard “talking to myself”. I call it thinking out loud but I do indeed speak aloud while I am the only one in the room. Doing so helps me walk through steps, focus, and I just do. My MommyGee would have legit conversations with herself. I can picture her now standing in her huge walk-in closet justa chatt’n it up and she’d be the only one in there…well, except for me hanging upside down from her velvet mauve/pink chaise lounge asking her who she is talk’n too. 🙂 I love you Mable and miss you dearly.

How ’bout you? Do you have eleven interesting things that you can share about your weirdness with us??? Come on now! The cool kids are do’n it.

Hey, but really if you do, backlink and invite others.

I tag Ashley from Mental Health @ Home. And, duh.. a huge shout out to Ash for being amazing!! She sets the stage by example. No bullshit. It is what it is and I think she may represent that #lowlife too 🙂 You make me proud Ashley.

P.S. I am not turning R.O.E. into a gallery of selfies. I promise. #noworries

Don’t Worry. I Am a Warrior.

About Worry

Worrisome thoughts consume the minds of millions. An alarming 91% of what folks worry about does not come to fruition, according to Psychology Today. 

Although I am diagnosed with anxiety, I do not consider myself a worrier. I attribute my anxieties to angst and nervous energy. I also have an adhd diagnosis, therefore, predictably is something I prefer yet I do not worry about the unknown. I don’t know if this makes any sense to anyone beside me.

 For example, my what if’s go: “What if I were blind?”, I question … not worry. Following this specific what if came a year of closed eyes. True story. When I commit, I commit. I was in third grade when this experiment took place.

My what if’s do not come from a place of fear or concern. 

Because of this I deem myself fortunate to not belong to the 60 percent (Washington post, April 2020) of United States adults who worry. 

Some may debate my worryless claim taking into account my motherhood. Would you believe me if I told you I do not worry about my daughter? Well … I don’t. When she was a young child my only fear was an injury that resulted in bleeding. My instincts to fight or flight are to freeze. For me, this means that when I encounter a situation involving blood or possible disaster, I become debilitated. I shut down completely. So my fear wasn’t a worry about my child per se rather my helplessness if we were to find ourselves in such circumstance. 

Do not mistake my lack of worry as a lack of love. That just isn’t true. She = life to me but that doesn’t mean I must worry about her. No, I do not want her to hurt but I know it’s going to happen. And I hope I do a good job consoling her. 

Worries are prayers for things we do not want. Don’t put things out in the universe if you don’t want to manifest it.

Life is a series of falling and getting back up. Mistakes and failure form character. Let life mold a warrior not shape a worrier. Worrying is a waste. It contributes to stress and has no influence on the outcome.

Disturb Me Not provides staggering statistics in connection with the recent pandemic and worrisome anxieties. The article I linked is full of interestingly informative stats.  I am only going to share a piece. I recommend reading the full article.

Due to COVID-19, 53% of adult Americans claimed that their mental health had been negatively affected in 2020.

People sheltering-in-place reported higher levels of stress and worry (47%) over COVID-19 than people who were not sheltering-in-place (37%). 

Anxiety disorders affect 40 million US adults every year.

31.2% of Americans experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime.

Over 90% of people with generalized anxiety disorder have another psychiatric diagnosis as well.

19 million Americans suffer from specific phobias.

6.8 million US adults have generalized anxiety disorder (GAD).

About 31% of US adolescents suffer from an anxiety disorder.

14% of people in the European Union suffer from an anxiety disorder.

Up to 90% of people with generalized anxiety disorder have difficulty concentrating.

How about you? Do you find yourself worrying? If so, about what?

3.3.21

Oh.

You, again.

Familiar foe.

Was I a fool to think you moved on?

Slithering your way on in without effort.

And how convenient it’s beautiful outside

yet dark inside.

I am learning, you see.

You may move in but not consume me.

You are but a mere piece.

A piece I will conquer and be set free of.

Depression, please be satisfied with your portion.

I will soothe you.

I will care for you.

But do not bury me.

We will work together this time around, you and me.