Attitude Adjustment

Just when I think my depression is waning, it waxes. Ugh! Since September of 21, I have been battling laziness. As soon as I overcome my laziness in pops depression. Why? Is it the heat? Is it the never-ending demands of my job? Is it the new puppy we adopted? Or is it simply the way depression operates? I’ll never know for certain but I think it’s a combination of it all. You would think that I would have accepted it by now. Accepted that bipolar depression is not something that I can control. I can, however, look after my mindset and my outlook. Sure it’s difficult but it makes a world of difference.

I am grateful for:

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Creativity

A roof over my head

Air conditioning in my home and in my car (it’s fixed🤗)

Hope in my heart

Compassion

And last but not least,

my job.

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I have been having creative spurts that I am using to make a coworker a journal. Her birthday is in November and me carrying my notebook prompted her to share that she too likes to write. So…what better gift than a handmade journal, right? I will make sure to take pics of the final product to show y’all. I wish I had done that with the others I have gifted. In total, I’ve made about 15. Two of the fifteen were ordered while the remaining 13 were given as gifts. The most typical response I’ve received is, I don’t want to mess it up!! Everyone is afraid to add their artwork to them so with that in mind I made this one with bare bones and included matching papers for use by the new owner. Problem solved. I hope.

I have a three-bedroom, two-bath home with 2 acres of land. It is made a home having Mister, two pups, and a cat. We live in a state that has many days of heat advisory so having central heat and air conditioning is a must. We are fortunate to have it because not everyone does. You may remember me saying that my car’s a.c. was acting up. It is now working making my drive to work tolerable.

Despite the weight of depression, I have hope in my heart for better days. This hope extends beyond my depression. It reminds me that with compassion for myself and others I will survive. And last on my list, work. I am grateful to be employed and to pay my bills on time. Work is more stressful than not but I push through each shift with a smile on my face. Sometimes my smile will drop but I do my best to remember that the shift doesn’t last forever. We are short-staffed. This inevitably puts more strain on the existing staff. Working in the restaurant business comes with its own struggles so adding more work presents a difficult dynamic. It seems a vicious cycle that my employer can’t seem to get ahead of.

This practice of gratitude helped shift my attitude from blah to grateful. Some days this practice isn’t easy. Yeah, it’s easy to write a list but to truly honor that list you’ve got to sit with it. I am fortunate in many ways that when I am feeling cheated or slighted I have plenty to remind myself of. Just having my basic needs met is enough to cherish. Do you ever find yourself in a rut of ungratefulness? What helps you to appreciate what you have?

Until next time

xoxo

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It’s Lost but Can Be Found

Sleep eludes me. My mental state seems to be deteriorating. It’s midday and I am taking seraquil to sleep. The sun shines bright but I don’t have much fight left to care. I am on day three of being off. I return to work tomorrow but today is exhausting. I haven’t done anything in a month. My life is an endless stream of unmotivated boredom. It’s days like today I wish I could wash away. I don’t like the thoughts that occupy my mind. They are bleak. All I want to do is sleep. So. I medicate. This isn’t the solution, I know. But I’ve already swallowed it whole. I feel out of control.

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This cloud of numbness is familiar but dayum, will it ever go away? I feel like a slave to my moods. Each and every day. I question my discipline. I shit on motivation. I cuss my existence. Am I being overdramatic? Possibly. The news of a good friend being hospitalized hit me harder than expected. Perhaps because I myself am feeling low. I don’t know but I do hope she is able to find some resolve. Or relief.

I am not political. I do not watch the news. I do not do social media. Yet the news of war has reached me. Why? I am not asking you that per se but really, why? I feel the effects of it. I am sickened to even think that killing people is ever a good solution. It isn’t so why? Ugh. I’m done with that part. In fact, tomorrow is a new day. I’ll wait to see if what I have to say makes better sense.

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New day. Same questions yet a better mind frame from which my thoughts stem. Today I am grateful for positive thinking. Instead of getting caught up in the why’s I am shifting my focus to the present moment. Right now. And right now, I feel better. I am grateful to have slept and found some relief from consecutive days of gloom. Is it just me or do days of dread last longer than days of joy? It seems that way. My head space wasn’t good at the beginning of this post, at all. As much as I hate putting negativity out into the ethereal, I had to get it out. Those ruminating thoughts are the thoughts that eat me alive if I let ‘em.

I began this post Monday and it is now Friday. Today is significantly lighter. What did I do? Nothing to write home about but I did carry my journal with me yesterday for some journaling and sketching on the go. I enjoyed it and will continue to carry it with me. That’s a small win. The sun is out after multiple days of rain, fog, and moisture in the air. That is a sign of better days ahead. Yay!

I am happy to end this rant of sorts on a better note. If your days have been a struggle I hope that today you are able to set your troubles down, take a look around, and be present. I know that that too can be a bit of a battle but wherever you are, you can do it. You deserve it. Take a deep breathe. Exhale. Repeat. That’s where I’m at today. How about you?

Something New!

Good Morning & Welcome

For some time I have contemplated running a series. I wasn’t quite sure what to include in the series until today!!

Welcome to the first post in a series of motivational posts!

Each Monday I will post an affirmation to carry you all throughout your week. The cards I will be using are from a deck called Spirit Junkie by Gabrielle Bernstein.

Each week will also include a card of either encouragement, self-love, goals, or focus to help guide your week. I will be using cards made by Dayna Lee for this part of the series.

I have been shuffling and drawing cards for myself weekly since the beginning of the year. I write one affirmation everyday for a week. Keeping it minimal allows me to really focus and affirm the phrase in my daily routine. My mother bought me a deck of motivational cards that I decided to add to my weekly drawing. These cards are separated into the four categories. Encouragement, self-love, goals and focus. Adding one of these to my weekly routine will help boost my affirmation without overwhelming the concept behind doing it.

I have found that incorporating the affirmation has assured me of my own personal power. Writing it daily reinforces it and keeps it at the forefront of my day. When I decided to add the second card to my week I thought of y’all and my desire to run a series. From here on out I will post two cards on Monday to help guide your week. I encourage you to write each phrase each week. And use the phrases any time you find yourself frustrated, confused, or down on yourself. Each phrase is short and sweet so it is simple to do so. So without further ado, I introduce

Monday Morning Mantra

Encouragement

Affirmation

I hope each of you use these phrases to guide and affirm your week. Feel free to share with others. See ya next week for another Monday Morning Mantra!

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Back in Business?

Learning Curve

So…this thing happened. I fixed my laptop!! I am not too certain I deserve any credit, however, I am using it now after almost a year of going without but I do give myself credit for having the patience to follow the steps provided and lookie here.

I am operable 🙂

Now I have to bebop off to work for seven hours 😩 It feels much better having the keys to press using all of my fingers instead of only my thumbs. I’ve always enjoyed typing. There is going to be a learning curve most definitely with the blocks but I am up for the challenge. Certainly WordPress didn’t modify to make things harder on us, right? I’d like to think not.

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The Day After

When I got off work last night and was fooling around with my computer, I realized my settings was that of a woman in crisis. Everything turned off. No access to anything except the internet. It also wouldn’t update Windows so I had an inkling something was off there. I think I deleted Windows somehow or something like that. Please forgive my lack of intelligence as far as computers are concerned. I sound like a babbling, confused person because I am!! I searched for the control panel and nothing was there. Perhaps I did delete the operating system, still not sure but I did find my way to reset and reinstall.

Fingers crossed it just restores it back to it’s original out-of-the-box settings. I had already deleted most everything on there so this isn’t a big deal for me like it would be for most others. And…which!! Back in business. Brand new business. I just saved myself $250! Yay!!

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Update

On a more personal note, I have been doing okay. I don’t say good because honestly, there’s not been much of any good happening (other than my laptop). Just work and home and work and home. I can’t stand for my days to be like that. I enjoy the freedom of not working. I’m sure many of you can agree. Many of the folks I associate with say they have to work to feel like they are contributing. To what, idk and don’t really too much care. I’ll go as far as to say that I am stable which is far from my normal, therefore, making me normal?? Perhaps that is why I am bored with the routine of my days.

My daughter turned 20 on February 6th. I caught a 24-hour stomach bug that was hell on me for two solid days. I literally couldn’t lift my head on Sunday forcing me to miss my daughter’s annual birthday dinner. That added to my sickness. I am an alcoholic mom. I get no sick days. I used those up in my drinking days. So the guilt says which is stupid because who feels guilty for catching a projectile vomiting bug?!?!?! Meh.

Despite the tone of my update, I am o.k. Again, nothing too noteworthy to discuss so I’ll wrap it up. How’s your week gone?

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Here I Go…

Come on Already

Having felt some type of way before Christmas, I can say that I feel much worse today. My frustrations are amplified by lower back pain. Add to that, work. I am over the damn holidays. Maybe this can be attributed to hormones as well. I don’t know. But isn’t it easy to have something to blame when you aren’t feeling up to par?

I work at a 24-hour restaurant where you could say the occasional drunk likes to visit. I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with many as I get off at 9 pm but it is New Year’s Eve and I expect to run into a few. One may assume that because I was a bartender for 22 years that I am accustomed to the crowd that is…well, obnoxious. And I am or I was. Today doesn’t seem to be tolerable for me. I want to call out. My back is jammed and I can barely move without sharp pain taking my breath away. But calling out would mean losing my job or going to the doctor for an excuse which may need to happen considering my level of pain. However, I tell myself to push through.

I am ready for day-to-day life to be back to normal. Or should I say our new normal? I’ve adjusted well to a slower pace. Perhaps that is why the holidays have exhausted me. The hurried frenzy to buy, wrap, prepare, give, cook…sheesh!! Typing it wore me out. Maybe I am being overdramatic. That’s a possibility too except not about the pain I am experiencing.

I ask myself if this is worth publishing and if I am being honest, no. The only purpose it serves is my venting. It may validate someone who is feeling as crappy as me but I doubt it. If anything I sound like a whiney hiney. I need some pep in my step because no amount of bitching stops the clock. I soon have to be of service to hungry customers who don’t give a damn if I am in pain, rightfully so. I should have called out yesterday for today’s shift and taken my ass to the doctor. But I didn’t and I have no one or nothing other than myself to blame.

It’s days like today I wish I followed through with my disability case. I keep telling myself to call and check the status but I haven’t. Meh. And blah. And whaaaaa!! 😂 okay, I feel a little better. Off to work I go!

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Funny story: tomorrow is New Year’s Eve 😩

Never Have I …

Evading & Elusive Narrative

Medium.

Moderate.

Mediocre.

Normal.

Common.

Grey.

Satisfied.

Average.

Typical.

Nice.

Petite.

Ordinary.

Boring.

Plain.

Generic.

Never have I been … referred to as any of the above. I’ll take that as a compliment 😉

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Wellll, Hey!! How tha hell ‘r ya?

my WordPress peeps, pals, compadres, confidants … 😂🤣 Enough already!?

Long time no correspondence.!??!. Although my presence is in the shadows, I am aghast by the frequency in which y’all stay on my mind.

Like, seriously.

Reflecting on my life there is one constant – I torture myself. My thoughts haunt me. Despicable hate words spoken by others, ruminate, penetrating my soul. … That got deep without my realizing it… Sheesh.

As I was saying, (kinda) … My absence from my writer’s life pains me with each eye blink. It is agony yet; why? Why do I run from my artistic medium? No. I am not an author. No. I do not have my doctrine. But, I am a writer. That’s what I do. Or do I? Better yet, why the fuck don’t I? It’s misery in this brain with words-on-a-loop, quick-witt one liners, and dry, sarcastic realities our society accepts at face value.

Forgive me if I lost you but perhaps you caught a glimmer of the patterns of thought that merri-go-round in my brain. I want a refund!!!🤣

I crave a space to vent. I secured my own nook of the web July 15, 2017 and I chose to not hang out here because, lets be honest, it is a choice. In fact, I tried to purchase a different domain name through my Word Press account (it’s a surprise), and it ended up paying my domain name off until 2022. But not the correct domain name. Once I noticed it extended Revenge of Eve an additional year, I immediately requested a refund, to which I received … Of course, it couldn’t be as simple as just that … Now I seem to have lost the domain or the direction of the domain, Revenge of Eve.!! I can’t find the patience to even contact Word Press to resolve the matter. Cue *instant sounding alarm bells* Or one can imagine considering the pride I hold held in my self-taught blogging life.

Meh. Murrr. Blah. Blee. Blurrr.

My freak out moment hasn’t occurred only because I have a receipt, proof of payment until like … Ummm … Mid-2021. 🤔 Further investigation will be necessary. Losing my domain name is an unsettling thought and a motivator.

Little by little I am regaining the wherewithal to link words together to form sentences. I will fight the chains of silence until my last breath. Will any of it add value to another? Maybe. Maybe not but it damn sure helps me.

❤️

An Update On Life

Still here, just…

Hey y’all! I’m still here just not as active. Ever since Kid was eight, I believe, her father and I rotate weeks during summer break. She was 11 (2013) when she went to live with him as her custodial parent, giving me more free time than I knew what to do with.

With my sobriety date being 4-20-2015 those two years is a blur. From 2015-2017 I spent my days sleeping and my nights working as I adjusted to life as a mom without full custody. Hard doesn’t come close to describing such an adjustment. When I think about it, I have no clue what I did in my free time but if I’d have to guess it was absolutely nothing. When I picked up blogging mid-year 2017, I wondered why I hadn’t done so for years prior but oh how quickly I am reminded.

We are on week three of summer and week two with Kid. It isn’t that she requires a lot as much as it is me wanting everything to be perfect for when she needs something. I try to accommodate her every move by limiting her movement – if that makes any sense. Basically, she sits back and I cater to her. Not because of her but because of me.

I know many will say that me doing so only hinders her and I agree, buttttt… I am stopping!

I bet you thought I was gonna say, “she’s my only”!! Tricked ya!

It’s me!!

All I want in life is for my child to be a kind, functional, impactful human being. All the rest, I could care less about. The reality of her being functional is for her to be able to do things independently and this includes feeding herself, managing chores, and maintaining her personal hygiene (mental and physical).

Each week she is with me she is learning to cook two meals. Her chores are a work in progress more so on my behalf than hers. She needs to tweak her attention to detail and then she will be fine with that aspect. This summer she will see my therapist alone and with me so we can overcome any obstacles that will restrict further growth and she has signed up for a membership at the gym right up to the road from where I live. Gasp! When she returns to school she will be a senior and with that comes a lot of preparation and responsibility. To avoid excuses we are mapping out the year as well as meeting deadlines for college applications and scholarship/funding requirements. We are making her a Senior/College mini binder with monthly calendars that require something for college to be taken care each month. The purpose of this is to calm any anxiety and also to not miss out on an opportunity because she “forgot”.

Alllll of that on top of her working, soccer training, and hanging with friends…shew!! And still…she impresses me. Her work ethic is legit, her attitude about readjusting [I shut down as a full-time mom because in my eyes someone else was fulfilling that role] isn’t bad at all and life seems to be falling in place.

**It’s important I own my part and I am working through that with my therapist and will write a post once I process it**

And as it falls into place, for what seems so natural to me and even her, ” my” time is once again limited but I will never complain about that.

I know it is important not to submerge ourselves in roles but there is only a short period of time that she will be fully reliant upon me (and her father) so I will soak up all the time I can have with her trying to continue preparing her for the real world but also realizing that I cannot be replaced so there is no need for me to step down.

Low self-esteem and lack of confidence show up in my everyday life and I am ready to tackle it head-on. I have never fully healed from the emotional and verbal abuse of my childhood and instead, I shut down. I have been learning to reflect my feeling through art but my low self-esteem hinders me from showing it and even worse, sharing it with the world.

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❤❤❤

But with all of that said, the total number of visits to my site seem minuscule compared to what is brewing/being planted within myself. Like with everything come the downsides and that is me not being as active in reading the up to date news with each of you. I feel guilty that I have comments I have not responded to, YET…but I am also not allowing that guilt to consume me. It is important for me not to.

Please know that I think of each of you daily. I remember your encouraging words when I need a boost and I am grateful you still visit my posts although at the moment I show little to no support. Keep in mind I am cheering y’all on but now, I am also rooting for me. Thank you for helping build me up to this point. A point to where I will need strength to rip off the bandages and sit with things I’ve never understood. There is so much to come to life from this moment forward and I can only hope that you will continue on with me through my journey.