#bipolardisorder – Revenge of Eve

Intact Yet Out of Whack

I am considering, once again, going off my medication. Yes, I am stable. Yes, I am reliable. Yes, my creativity is still intact but I am bored with life. Typically I am full of life. Loads of passion. I’ve been called animated. Charismatic even. All of those compliments go by the waist side when I am medicated because all of those characteristics are out the window when I am medicated. The only way I know how to feel like myself is to stop taking the antipsychotic I take. I, of course, would then up my antidepressant to help with my symptoms. Dare I say I’d rather be crazy than boring any day! There. I said it. And I mean it.

The only part about taking medication that I can tell a difference is my reaction to life. Perhaps since I have acknowledged this I can now work on it. I have an emotional reaction, physically to everything but guess what?? I am used to it. That is how I was created and voiding me of it depresses me significantly. I will continue taking my antidepressant as that helps keep me alive. Really. And I will monitor myself to make sure I don’t start rapid cycling. Damn. Typing that makes it all so real. I have rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies. Fuck.

Maybe I should stop all medication and crawl in a hole. Ugh!

I spend 90% of my time in bed. The other 10% is spent at work. No, I am not sleeping all that time but I am stuck in bed. Nothing excites me anymore. I need to explore. I need to move my body. I need to shake the 30 pounds I’ve gained from this damn medication. I need to feel like myself 😒 I try not to rant very often but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head. I need to find a solution but is there one? I don’t think I will find resolve considering my circumstances and that sickens me.

I’ve had no motivation to keep up with Monday Morning Mantra. It sucks I can’t even find the umph to do something once a week. Last week I used the excuse, It’s Fourth of July to not post and this week I have no excuse. It’s me. That’s all. Ironically I have been creating a lot. I don’t feel like I’ve been bit by the creative bug more so I am using up materials I’ve acquired. That was a goal for 2022 so maybe I am on track with something.

Having a new puppy is a lot of work especially when the pup is the jealous type. Grrrr. She’s giving me a run for my money so to speak. How do you teach a pup personal space? I’ve been spoiled by my 12-year old dog. He is a Maltese and as laid back as they come. Well the new pup seems hellbent to force him to play tug of war by chin checking him with a toy in her mouth. He’s old and wants nothing to do with her. He gives in every once in a while but for the most part wants to be left alone. She requires attention 100% of the time and frankly, I don’t have it to give. Not at 100%. We ordered her a training collar with a beep, vibrate, and shock setting. We haven’t had to use the shock setting because the vibration and beeping are working, temporarily. She doesn’t seem to retain discipline. It’s been difficult to say the least.

I have been on YouTube a lot lately. I like to watch videos of art journaling, stationery hauls, and anything else to do with paper 😂 It calms my active mind. I’ve also watched a few Netflix specials.

I don’t know how to process mundane. It’s too slow for me. I don’t even know what I mean by that but tis how it is. Let’s see how things go. I have a doctors appointment on the 18th so I can increase my antidepressant. We will see what happens 🤓 I ain’t scared 😉 I have the tools I need to succeed 😝 *shakes head* Don’t ask me. I’m off to treat myself to a yogurt with fruit, honey, and granola. Yummy!

Madness

It's weight
Savage
Mind
Body
Soul
It ravages 
Depleting on
Average
All it passes
Familiar
Heavy
And did I mention 
Savage?
Soul-sucking
Unapologetic
Madness
Turmoil
Chaos
Damage
Silent
Overwhelming 
Sadness
Apathetic
Numb
Indifferent 
Recovery

In Honor of Mental Health Awareness Month: My Experience

Here at Revenge of Eve we openly discuss mental health. While I am not a resource for maintaining mental health, I suffer from mental illness. I am not ashamed to have multiple diagnoses.

If you are interested, you can find my story here and here.

With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I decided to discuss ways I get on with life, thriving despite my mental illness.

Creativity

If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you know I am an avid journal writer. I enjoy using my journal to write my daily activities, thoughts, and plans. I also like to explore my creativity using handmade journals. I am fortunate that my stationery obsession and paper craft hobby collide. Because of this I have many materials to choose from when I want to create.

I collect ephemera and add it to my handmade journals with memos to remind me of the activity or reference it’s origin. Documenting life this way helps me to slow down. Having the tactical items to look back on brings immense joy to my day.

Every Monday I draw cards from multiple decks to help guide my week. From these decks two are affirming and encouraging. You may be familiar with my drawings as I share them here with y’all! The series Monday Morning Mantra is a weekly drawing but a daily reference. I write each phrase, an affirmation and an encouragement, daily in my journal. I use the cards to guide my week. If I find myself struggling with negative thoughts or self-talk, I refer to the cards drawn. It is a practice that works wonders on my mindset 🤓

Self-Care

Believe it or not but journaling is an avenue of self-care. It is the number one way I tend to myself. While I journal I am mindful, present, and actively honoring my thoughts, ideas, and desires. Self-care is often sold as pampering oneself and while that can be considered self-care, there is far more work involved in caring for yourself. Through the years of learning to love myself I learned it takes some elbow grease but once you’ve loosened the years of excess, the gunk wipes away easily. Metaphorically speaking.

Journaling is part of my daily self-care routine. Other ways I take care of myself are by saying no when I cannot commit to something. Albeit whether it’s because I don’t want to or if I can’t, it doesn’t matter. Learning to say no without an explanation has made a positive impact on my life.

I typically do my own manicures and pedicures 1. because it saves money and 2. because I have been professionally trained to do so but recently I paid to enjoy the experience. I started a new job in November and as a reward for sticking it out I paid to have a natural manicure and a pedicure. It was the best $65 ($75 with tip) I’ve spent all year!!

Routine

Having a routine is important for our mental health. This isn’t to say that you can’t stray but having a guided timeline for your day is helpful for everyone’s mental stability.

My mental stability is provided by medication, however, having a rough timeline to follow plays a huge role. I wake at the same time, work the same hours, and go to bed about the same time every night. My coffee and food intake habits are sparse throughout the day. Same as other activities; journaling. Trying to balance those is enough to keep me afloat and productive. I try to limit my scrolling time. Some days are better than others.

Relationships

A huge factor of living with mental illness comes down to support. I receive support from my family. Not financial rather emotional. They challenge me, trust me, encourage me, and most importantly, they listen to me. It hasn’t always been this way though. Having a mood disorder and addictions aren’t the easiest variables to deal with. There have been many misunderstandings, wrong assumptions, and unknowingly, enabling. Luckily we pushed through the difficult times and came out on the other side.

Friendships are an important part on thriving with mental illness. Various forms of relationships can apply. You may have made friends via the internet or it can be a friend that you have in the physical world. Support is support and it can be shown through a variety of routes.

Medication

And last but not least; medication. Having bipolar 1 (rapid cycling) means I have elated and depressed moods that shift frequently. These highs and lows can reach dangerous levels when not medicated. Mania (high) often involves impulsivity, irritability, anger, and grandiose ideas. Whereas with depression comes suicidal ideation, oversleeping, overeating, and numbness. These are general symptoms and those I cope with the most.

My medication, when taken correctly, stabilizes the influx in moods. It gives me a baseline that I cannot achieve without it. The unfortunate side effects of my medication are hypoglycemia and I cannot spend time a lot of time in the sun. I am also prone to boredom and feeling flat. My passion for life is nonexistent. That is the worst side effect but it is something I cope with so that I can function as a member of society, ie: work 😒

So how about you? How do you thrive despite mental illness? Do you or someone you love struggle with mental illness?

To Be Me

I Am

A journey of hope

I am fallible

Failing daily

To succeed

I struggle

to be

To be

Free

from judgement

Opinion

And critique

To speak openly

Of life as a tragedy

Without pressure

To be

Happy

Void of emotions

Medicated

Stone

I’m not

Alone

A travesty of its

Own

Nose deep

We breathe our

Phone

To look up is

See deceit

Vulnerability

Isn’t pretty

Yet

society bundles

With a bow

I rock that shit

I make

Rawness

Glow

Deep down

It’s

All I

Know

Exposed

To be

Me.

The Sun is Coming

‘Ello

Spring. Ahhh, Spring.

As Spring approaches we are reminded of life, flowers, and bright sunny days. That is safe to say for the majority of the population, however, Spring is when I am affected by S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder). Typically I do not welcome the Spring except this year feels different. I welcome it. I feel it in my bones as necessary. Oddly in part to feeling gloomy, which is off season-wise, and in part to a mundane routine.

Out of curiosity, I looked up the top 100 lifestyle blogs. I did so that I could answer the question, what is a lifestyle blog? for myself. I concluded that the things they had in common were fashion, decorating, cooking, and parenting. Some with their niche added and to set them apart. This made me proud to define myself an unconventional lifestyle blog. Why? Well because lifestyle blogs discuss life’s surface-level things whereas I discuss more intimate aspects like mental health, well-being, and personal growth. More interpersonal things.

I am not falling back into comparison. No worries. But what I am trying to do is define my why. Why do I blog? What drives me to continue? What steps can I take to expand? Are my motives selfish? What is my definition of successful concerning blogging? Can I attain such standard of success? How do I get there? With so many questions and so few answers I started there with defining why I consider myself to be an unconventional lifestyle blog. I am happy to arrive there without getting stuck in comparison.

I am determined to do something and blogging plays an integral part yet I don’t know why or how much. I want to offer services. What type? I kinda have an idea but that will be revealed to my subscribers before here on the blog. So subscribe why don’t ya?!?!

Concerning communicating via email, Mailchimp was not able to give me access to my other account despite me having all of the information needed to gain access because of 2-factor authorization. Never again will I use that security measure and honestly, I am debating on switching from Mailchimp to Mailer Lite. No worries, if you subscribe, I will transfer you if I make the switch.

Other than that, I am dry creatively. I can’t think of things to write about. I don’t have the patience to craft. All I do is read and scroll. I enjoy the reading part, the scrolling, not so much. I haven’t been presented with any new life lessons. I must say this is a first. At best my life has always been chaotic. Or I have been. There has always been a buzz around or with me and since I got on this new medication, Abilify, none of that is the case. I get an injection once a month and while I do enjoy the peace, I miss my spunk. Unfortunately, that is accompanied by anger and anxiety so the trade-off may not be worth stopping the medication. Plus my boyfriend may kick me out if I do 😂 He enjoys calm Candace. I on the other hand am bored. Bored with it all.

I Am

😍

A creator seeking her avenue of creation

An educator sought after knowledge

A mother desperate to stop time

A leader battling self

A writer documenting life

A student living wisely

An addict thirsty for dopamine

An alcoholic in sobriety

A lover surviving in a world of hate

All of these oxymorons beneath the surface compound

making the me that you see

A caged animal dying to live freely

Here I Go…

Come on Already

Having felt some type of way before Christmas, I can say that I feel much worse today. My frustrations are amplified by lower back pain. Add to that, work. I am over the damn holidays. Maybe this can be attributed to hormones as well. I don’t know. But isn’t it easy to have something to blame when you aren’t feeling up to par?

I work at a 24-hour restaurant where you could say the occasional drunk likes to visit. I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with many as I get off at 9 pm but it is New Year’s Eve and I expect to run into a few. One may assume that because I was a bartender for 22 years that I am accustomed to the crowd that is…well, obnoxious. And I am or I was. Today doesn’t seem to be tolerable for me. I want to call out. My back is jammed and I can barely move without sharp pain taking my breath away. But calling out would mean losing my job or going to the doctor for an excuse which may need to happen considering my level of pain. However, I tell myself to push through.

I am ready for day-to-day life to be back to normal. Or should I say our new normal? I’ve adjusted well to a slower pace. Perhaps that is why the holidays have exhausted me. The hurried frenzy to buy, wrap, prepare, give, cook…sheesh!! Typing it wore me out. Maybe I am being overdramatic. That’s a possibility too except not about the pain I am experiencing.

I ask myself if this is worth publishing and if I am being honest, no. The only purpose it serves is my venting. It may validate someone who is feeling as crappy as me but I doubt it. If anything I sound like a whiney hiney. I need some pep in my step because no amount of bitching stops the clock. I soon have to be of service to hungry customers who don’t give a damn if I am in pain, rightfully so. I should have called out yesterday for today’s shift and taken my ass to the doctor. But I didn’t and I have no one or nothing other than myself to blame.

It’s days like today I wish I followed through with my disability case. I keep telling myself to call and check the status but I haven’t. Meh. And blah. And whaaaaa!! 😂 okay, I feel a little better. Off to work I go!

Funny story: tomorrow is New Year’s Eve 😩