So…this thing happened. I fixed my laptop!! I am not too certain I deserve any credit, however, I am using it now after almost a year of going without but I do give myself credit for having the patience to follow the steps provided and lookie here.
I am operable 🙂
Now I have to bebop off to work for seven hours 😩 It feels much better having the keys to press using all of my fingers instead of only my thumbs. I’ve always enjoyed typing. There is going to be a learning curve most definitely with the blocks but I am up for the challenge. Certainly WordPress didn’t modify to make things harder on us, right? I’d like to think not.
The Day After
When I got off work last night and was fooling around with my computer, I realized my settings was that of a woman in crisis. Everything turned off. No access to anything except the internet. It also wouldn’t update Windows so I had an inkling something was off there. I think I deleted Windows somehow or something like that. Please forgive my lack of intelligence as far as computers are concerned. I sound like a babbling, confused person because I am!! I searched for the control panel and nothing was there. Perhaps I did delete the operating system, still not sure but I did find my way to reset and reinstall.
Fingers crossed it just restores it back to it’s original out-of-the-box settings. I had already deleted most everything on there so this isn’t a big deal for me like it would be for most others. And…which!! Back in business. Brand new business. I just saved myself $250! Yay!!
Update
On a more personal note, I have been doing okay. I don’t say good because honestly, there’s not been much of any good happening (other than my laptop). Just work and home and work and home. I can’t stand for my days to be like that. I enjoy the freedom of not working. I’m sure many of you can agree. Many of the folks I associate with say they have to work to feel like they are contributing. To what, idk and don’t really too much care. I’ll go as far as to say that I am stable which is far from my normal, therefore, making me normal?? Perhaps that is why I am bored with the routine of my days.
My daughter turned 20 on February 6th. I caught a 24-hour stomach bug that was hell on me for two solid days. I literally couldn’t lift my head on Sunday forcing me to miss my daughter’s annual birthday dinner. That added to my sickness. I am an alcoholic mom. I get no sick days. I used those up in my drinking days. So the guilt says which is stupid because who feels guilty for catching a projectile vomiting bug?!?!?! Meh.
Despite the tone of my update, I am o.k. Again, nothing too noteworthy to discuss so I’ll wrap it up. How’s your weekgone?
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Before I begin, can someone please tell me how to center the text on the mobile app with the new editor? I suppose I am just realizing how much I use my phone for blogging and not being able to center the text has nerved me to no end!! And has stopped me from posting on more than a few occasions.
Brief
Maybe you have noticed, maybe not…but things have been the quietest they have ever been around here. There isn’t any particular reason but life has decided there are more things to confront, heal, and process than I had originally speculated. Will I allow it to break me? I’d prefer to let it shape me but that doesn’t go to say it’s easy. If there are two things I have learned about all of this self-improvement shit, it’s that hard realities must be faced with honesty and patience is required throughout all of it.
Patience
When 2019 arrived I made it my mission to forgive those who I felt have wronged me in a way that continues to impact my life. I don’t hold resentments over petty things so my list of those to forgive is short. So short in fact, I had moved through half of that list in the first month by forgiving one person!! Well, technically there is no half to three…there is but I should say there is no half of a person. Lol. However you want to look at it, my list consists of three people. One of those being myself.
Unbeknownst to me, the order I had planned to do the forgiving in, least impactful to most, didn’t go as planned. This is where patience plays a vital role. I’ve realized life unfolds on its own terms and if I encounter resistance its because that isn’t the time for things to unfold. At the beginning of all of this, I found myself trying to force one thing only for another to prevail. Instead of pushing back on my plan, I let go of the reigns and decided it would go much more smoothly if I invested myself in the things that were showing up, in no particular order. I’m not a fan of surprises but let’s just say it has been interesting.
Hard realities and honesty
Being that I have a history with substance abuse, it is a given I will be reminded of things I did that hurt others. Of course, this was never my intention but so the story goes. Alcohol became the filter remover I thought I needed to heal and accept myself but the reality is I spewed some ugly, hurtful words to those who truly matter.
Many of you can attest that I have been at a standstill in my growth/recovery for quite some time. This was the most aggravating phase but it was because I had a vision of how I imagined things to go. I didn’t realize in order for the big things to surface, I had a million little things that lead up to them.
I kept searching and yet there it was, right under my fuck’n nose. I asked and would receive but the truth is…I wasn’t listening. But believe me, I hear it all clearly now. This has been the push I needed. Forcing me to connect with myself on a deeper level (is that even possible?). I’m here to say and as a witness we can always improve but instead of beating ourselves up over it, if we allow it, it comes and goes. The weight that is lifted is much greater than the pain.
The growth that has happened here was made apparent in the way the universe presented it. There’s no way I could’ve missed it. And if you wanna know the truth, it humbled me, shattered my heart, and taught me a huge message about judgment. I am still smoldering and so, I am still a bit sensitive. I am learning to do things different and I may fail but that’s ok. I will never know success until I’ve tasted failure.
Baby steps.
I’m taking baby steps.
And while I tiptoe my way through the last few months of the year, I am going to continue seeking what I desire from within. I’ve accepted this is life and with every step forward, there is the possibility of a step backward…but I think I’ll work on my perspective, and maybe, just maybe, I will find peace just from taking the next right step.
Read all about it!! I’m chat’n kindness and kids! Doesn’t get much better than that.
Title Pun
There is an unspoken excitement when you await the arrival of something you have ordered online. It is almost like receiving a gift or a welcome in your mailbox. Multiply that times 100 when receiving mail by surprise!!! The days of receivinganythingother than a bill in the mail have dramatically decreased with adulthood.
When I was a wee lad (Irish immigrant family), my “mommygee” mailed, us kids, each week, a Bible verse and if we could recite it at the end of the week, she would put money aside. I won’t claim to have a secret money account hidden but I distinctively recall how it felt to have something addressed to me. I felt so special. I can see her handwriting🙂
Combine nostalgia and my love of all things stationery and the result is a childlike squeal. Imagine my pitch when I received not one but TWO total surprise gifts from two kind hearted, generous, and thoughtful women. And they just so happen to be bloggers in the Word Press community🙂!!!
Candice from This Made Me Smile and Meg Kimball, her official author site, Advice Avengers. *see title* 🙂 I was taken back at the thought of them thinking of me. Meg won Day Two of Two Days of Giveaway last month and she added to my collection of blogger books. She has written a series of books and when she gave me the option to choose one, I left it up to her to decide. Seeing as I shipped the goodies on August 15, I didn’t expect to receive her book before then but…I did!!
Candice’s snail mail was a complete and total surprise. Awhile back I sent out postcards to a few inspirational bloggers with whom I’ve chatted with the outside of the blogosphere. I believe in total six bloggers received collaged goodness. One of the recipients was Candice.
Long ago, she had written a post about little libraries and how special they are to communities, in which I agree, and immediately I thought of how awesome it would be to receive a book from a Canadian free library. And so I said so in a comment to her. A book arrived sometime later and as a thank you, she was included in my list of postcard snail mail. Well, she upped the ante and shocked me with the cutest little origami journal!! Out of the blue and what a smile, it brought to my face.
I don’t know about you but when I get some new stationery, I thumb through the pages, feel the texture of the paper, look for defects, and try to decide which aspect of life I will use it for. Well, while doing so to the new addition, I found a handwritten piece of encouragement that said,
Those who wish to sing always find a song.
It is so special to me to have a quote handwritten by someone I’ve not had the opportunity to meet in person but admire from across the country. This adds the most special, personal touch; making it that much more cherishable.
The note Candice included with her sweet snail mail has already made its way into my journal.
Full Circle
You may have seen that Cyranny’s Cove is hosting a kindness challenge, all of which was prompted by her receiving a set of my art postcards (she too was one of the six). I had no idea my snail mail would have such an impact but because Cyranny enjoyed the uplifting message found on one of the postcards, she was inspired to spread the message of kindness through challenging her followers to participate once a month in mailing messages of kindness to others. You can find more detail at The Cove. Please do join us on the first of every month to see what the challenge for the month is.
This month was to find the address of an old friend we have not spoken to in some time and mail them a hello. Well, those in my past are there for a reason and without trying to ruminate on who would be the most surprised, I decided to add a twist to the challenge (of course I did).
My idea began with my niece and nephew and quickly multiplied to a total of seven lucky children. The oldest is my daughter’s stepsister who is nine and the youngest is 20 months old (actually Kid is the oldest and she will receive a letter at her dad’s so that she can participate with her stepsister and half brother).
In the photos I covered the cutest little mascot because I haven’t yet introduced her to y’all…she will be the face of my handmade journal shop…and she is the one hosting this particular idea of spreading kindness to kids. It will remain a secret that it is me.
I typed a cute message that explained what the kindness challenge is and on a second page, I included a list of objects for them to include in their artwork that will be returned to “her” each month. The idea came to me to add a prompt list to help give the kids and the parents helping, somewhat of a guide. In the challenge description, I mentioned spreading kindness by sending multiple mailed messages. I am also including a postcard with an image for coloring in hopes that will be sent to someone of their choice.
Coming Soon
Earlier in the week I sent out theGarden, my monthly newsletter that hasn’t been sent out in months. You may have noticed or maybe not but I haven’t been as active. The reason for this is because I am processing a lot of damage done to me as well as damage I’ve caused. Perhaps this is why I have been stuck for a few years because doing this shit is necessary.
In the newsletter, I mentioned an upcoming format change for R.O.E. It is my plan to start writing more posts that target my curiosities about mental health and life in general. These posts will require research and take more time than my average posts. The other aspect I would like to incorporate is an inspirational, creative aspect. Kinda of a gallery of sorts of my creative endeavors with hopes of video tutorials in the future.
I have not lost interest in blogging but as far as sharing my personal daily bits, you can subscribe to receive the newsletter if that what interests you. I am going to move away from sharing specific details although my informative posts will share personal snippets of my story.
It is the last weekend of summer vacation, for the last time 🙁
My daughter starts her senior year in five days!! Wow! It hasn’t quite registered that 13 years of schooling will soon come to an end but waking this morning the thought hit me.
I mean we look forward to these days, right? I have almost made the decision to leave this area when my daughter graduates and writing this makes it seem as though I need to make the decision. Not permanently rather explore and be wowed. I need to stand on the edge of a volcano, next to a waterfall, or count the stars from the desert. I am restless. Bored and starved of inspiration.
But before I think about any of that, I must make sure to take each day, from the first day of school to the last, to be present with my daughter. Recovery is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t give back the days you lost while actively using. I knew when I had my daughter that she was it for me and instead of absorbing every milestone, we cheered and moved on to the next. Accomplishment after accomplishment checked off making each a distant memory. There are things I wish I had made a bigger deal and of course, the opposite is true. My goddaughter starts kindergarten this year and that really brings all of this into perspective. My child will soon (February) be an official adult.
She has always been treated as a person, never a child and that makes me wonder if that was the right approach. How much of a childhood did she really have? Does she appreciate that we’ve always respected her as an individual? Should we have done more to make sure she wasn’t too mature?
There are so many unanswered questions but from looking at the way she carries herself, presents herself, makes decisions, and respects herself, I must say, we (our family village), did some things right. Sure she is a little lazy, some days entitled, and other days moody but for the most part, she’s a decent, kind, compassionate, and persistent young lady.
But annnnywayyyys!
I finally got around to editing my site icon. Whatcha think about? Personally, I’m dig’n it.
I will end this note with please be kind to yourself today. You deserve the finest pleasures and joy just as much as the next guy. I love you and really, that’s enough for a few people!!
The first week of summer comes to an end today and I must say it has been enjoyable. The quality time spent with my daughter is priceless and watching her develop a work ethic is admirable. Everything went as smooth as possible and I look forward to the next week she is here. We have a goal set to work toward as a reward for our hard work. We will reap its benefits early October and it will be a memory making time to be had. I look forward to it.
Things with myself are taking a turn for the better as I have opened myself to the possibilities of living not existing. I see positive changes on the horizon and even a possibility for happiness – one that I’ve never had.
Today I love the person I am becoming and I have faith in her and her ideas.
I am trying not to beat myself up over the fact that much of what I wanted to accomplish this year is not happening. In my best attempt to remain optimistic about the future while not focusing on the future, I am struggling. Reality is setting in today as I sit here suffering from an extreme migraine.
I was forced to call out of work today due to a migraine and ever since waking, I have spiraled downward at a rate of speed that is not controllable. I feel like some most days I am pretending. Pretending that everything is ok when in fact, it is not. Yes I have listened to a life changing podcast but that does not erase 40 years of unhealthy coping skills. It does not undo the negative self-talk that repeatedly plays in my head and it will not remove this headache from throbbing or the clinching of my jaw or the fact I am just pissed off right now. At what? Everything. For being who I am. For allowing others to influence how I feel or dictate what I do, for allowing myself a day without work, whether that be at my job or for the things I do at home, even though I have been forced too by a headache.
It bothers me that I have spread myself so thin that I want to quit everything I’ve committed to (with one exception). It really fuck’n bothers me that I am considering publishing this post of nothing but bitching. I normally try my best to not put out ranting posts because there is plenty of that already but some days I feel as though I deserve one or two a year when in fact what exactly gives me this impression anyways?
Every thought I have comes with a contradicting thought. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity when in fact I am in intolerable pain.. level 9 for those who would like a number, and my best bet is to go back to sleep but nothing will be accomplished by doing that either. But whatever happens today will be prevented from being accomplished by this nasty attitude and this screaming migraine. This screen is killing my light sensitive eyes.
Adding to the cesspool of shit I am currently in, my daughter has her first shot at a state title for track tomorrow and as it appears, I will not be able to attend. The event is four hours away. I took off of work for this but my migraines have a tendency to draw out over two sometimes three days. I cannot be anymore of a disappointment to her. I can’t take all of this. Not today, not today.
Revenge of Eve 