I am trying not to beat myself up over the fact that much of what I wanted to accomplish this year is not happening. In my best attempt to remain optimistic about the future while not focusing on the future, I am struggling. Reality is setting in today as I sit here suffering from an extreme migraine.
I was forced to call out of work today due to a migraine and ever since waking, I have spiraled downward at a rate of speed that is not controllable. I feel like some most days I am pretending. Pretending that everything is ok when in fact, it is not. Yes I have listened to a life changing podcast but that does not erase 40 years of unhealthy coping skills. It does not undo the negative self-talk that repeatedly plays in my head and it will not remove this headache from throbbing or the clinching of my jaw or the fact I am just pissed off right now. At what? Everything. For being who I am. For allowing others to influence how I feel or dictate what I do, for allowing myself a day without work, whether that be at my job or for the things I do at home, even though I have been forced too by a headache.
It bothers me that I have spread myself so thin that I want to quit everything I’ve committed to (with one exception). It really fuck’n bothers me that I am considering publishing this post of nothing but bitching. I normally try my best to not put out ranting posts because there is plenty of that already but some days I feel as though I deserve one or two a year when in fact what exactly gives me this impression anyways?
Every thought I have comes with a contradicting thought. I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of self-pity when in fact I am in intolerable pain.. level 9 for those who would like a number, and my best bet is to go back to sleep but nothing will be accomplished by doing that either. But whatever happens today will be prevented from being accomplished by this nasty attitude and this screaming migraine. This screen is killing my light sensitive eyes.
Adding to the cesspool of shit I am currently in, my daughter has her first shot at a state title for track tomorrow and as it appears, I will not be able to attend. The event is four hours away. I took off of work for this but my migraines have a tendency to draw out over two sometimes three days. I cannot be anymore of a disappointment to her. I can’t take all of this. Not today, not today.
I work with D’s and Wendy’s daughters and L is D’s best friend. What these three have in common is something I wish to NEVER experience. Each of them have mourned a child and the scenarios are different but the pain, one in the same.
Wendy had six children and lost two boys, separately, to the streets. D survived an abusive relationship, at the cost of her child’s life. And L… oh the pain of mourning her child… An abusive man with a gun, to her head, forced her to walk away only later to say the daughter they shared were dead. Doing all she knew how she continued scrapping by only to be contacted by her daughter 30+ years later.
These wounded women live life with a piece(s) of themselves missing. The pain of such loss I cannot comprehend. These women’s stories have found me recently and all I can hope is that it isn’t to prepare me for the same thing.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, provide them access to resources that will help to get them out. Do not wait until this is their story.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, or if you have questions about abuse, we can help. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) thehotline.org 1-866-331-9474 loveisrespect.org text “loveis” to 22522
Psych Central: resource page offers hotline numbers for many situations. A great resource page to bookmark. Information provided for both United States and the U.K.
Often times the bond between mother and daughter is considered one of strain. All too often we hear of the arguments, attitude, and agitation that create stress for this feeble relationship. Teenage years is when most girls begin their menstrual cycle resulting in catastrophic, irrelevant emotional outburst. Ironically us women are similar to a gang. We cycle with the other women who are in our immediate circle after a short time of being around each other.
No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and her daughter. “It’s the original relationship, and it’s also a relationship that has been sentimentalized but not honored,” says Lee Sharkey, Ph.D., who directs the Women’s Studies program at the University of Maine at Farmington, where she teaches a popular course in mother-daughter relationships. “Women grow up and our energy is largely turned toward men, but the original love relationship is with a mother. If we as daughters don’t acknowledge that, we’re closing ourselves off from a great source of power and fulfillment and understanding of ourselves.
I would like to imagine that my daughter’s relationship with me is one based on respect, trust, and honesty, at least 85% of the time. Our personalities are complete opposites and I believe that to be why we are able to make life work the way we do. She (Kid) is much kinder, considerate, relaxed, and respectful than I ever was as a pre-teen-young adult. She favors her father’s demeanor. She is content by herself which was unheard of when I was her age.
Prior to my teenage years, I was self-reliant, self-entertained, and independent. Somewhere around middle school, I began seeking validation from my peers. I strongly believe this is where I got lost in life.
This is the time of my daughter’s life when I realized it was time to get sober. The depression was in control and I was a shell. I believe everything happens for a reason and I feel in my heart this is when she needed her dad’s guidance more than mine, although it was not a planned decision.
Not only was she transitioning from living with her mother to living with her father, but she also had to transition from one school district to another.
One thing I pride myself on as a mother is encouraging my daughter to be herself. I never realized how stable she is in her being until she reached high school. Her friends will go out and drink, some smoke marijuana, and she is content sitting at home watching tv. Rarely will she ask to go do something but when she does, the answer is always yes… which leads to my weakness as a mother. I find it difficult to tell her no. In fact, I do not know if I have ever. Of course, if it is something that will harm her, I say no but if she outright asks for something from me, she’s going to get it. She knows it too. She is such a great teen that I feel as though she should be rewarded.
Personality
My daughter has a docile, quiet nature. She is supportive of her friend’s struggles, always offering solid advice. She isn’t one to tell you what you want to hear rather what needs to be said. At times she can be timid. She is patient and observant which allows her to form her own opinion. I am not claiming that she is perfect but pretty damn close 😉
She is a great soccer player but it didn’t come easy for her. She has put in work to get where she is. She dedicated herself to it and has come far. I would say that he is not a follower but not exactly a leader either. She is somewhere in the middle. Like a silent partner. I don’t know how to explain it. She is just laid back.
Physical
My daughter was a spitting image of her father but as she has gotten older her face is thinning out and she somewhat favors me. She has my t-zone for sure. She has a round face whereas I have an oval-shaped face.
I thought for sure she would tower over me but such is not the case. I am 5’10 and she has stopped growing at a mere 5’6. We know that she will not get any taller because she had to see a foot specialist and he told us her growth plate has closed. Never did I imagine her being my sister’s height.
We are all guilty of preconceived notions of how or what our children will be like. In my case, I was destined to have a disrespectful, brat when in fact I was blessed with an angel. I suppose I am enough brat for the both of us. She is her own person with her own opinions and beliefs. Her father and I did one thing right and that was to raise a respectful, dignified young lady who loves herself. And we didn’t do it alone. There has been a community of friends that have had their hand in raising her. She makes us all proud.
Make sure to look out for tomorrows post 🙂 And to my subscribers….. get ready because this week I will be sending out my first video!! I’ve just gotta record it …. lmao but no really!!
Revenge of Eve 