An Update

Currently

I have entered a phase in my blogging career that I have not dealt with. Writing a post feels forced. It hasn’t come naturally in the last two weeks.

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Since purchasing my domain I have been trying to develop, more or less, my writer’s voice. In relation to my most well-received posts, it is my personal posts that I receive the most responses. I attribute this to my loyal followers that share a genuine concern about my well being.

When I refer to developing my voice I am speaking in terms of not using the word I and also offering solutions to my reader’s problems. The only problem I am finding is my own. The one where I do not have a solution for others rather advice on what not to do.

This has brought me to a crossroad. 2019 is the year I discover who I am and I am finding blogging, in a form other than personal, is conflicting with my discovery. I find myself putting unnecessary pressure to present my material in a way that isn’t true to my style.

How ironic is that? While trying to love myself I continue trying to not be myself. It is showing up in different areas of my life. I read this great article that allowed me to see that while we may be focusing on one thing we may, in fact, be doing the opposite of that and become worse at it. Once I read this I completely related. To all of it.

I made it a point to not set any blogging goals for the year and as a way of distraction, I am trying to take on a new voice. That’s terrible and I am so glad I caught it when I did. Other things besides the rejection have shown up recently. I’m sure once those come full circle I will share.

I made it through a trying time of self-doubt and comparison and I have no doubt I will make it through this phase. I am happy to have been shown and more happy to have been open to receiving. I had no idea that all I asked for would just magically appear. The signs are there and it is up to me to pay attention. I will never improve if I do not seek the lesson in my pain.

Once again I do not know where to start but I will start by adding this to my list of things to work through with a counselor. I can easily be distracted by the problems of others but in 2019 I won’t be having it. All I want is to be a better person, whole and proud.

I have many great topics that I want to discuss but I am adding them to a list as well for a time when I can dedicate to doing them justice.

This weekend was a rough one with my daughter. She experienced her first full-on panic attack, at school. Immediately my protective nature kicked and I became offended because she didn’t contact me.

While I want to be there for her I am learning that unlike me, she has developed her coping skills. The sad truth is, she is more emotionally mature than I am. I am not ashamed of that. That’s life. Our life. We argued a little as teenage girls and their mother (who act like a teenager) do. I’m working on that too! One at a time! 😂

Something I am trying to do differently is to be easier on myself. I’ve shared that I internalize criticism and hold on to things said in an unhealthy manner. This leads to toxic self-talk which gets me nowhere. The idea that perfection exists is slowly but surely being smashed as I breeze through my days. Some days are better than others but for the most part, I have turned to laughter when I make a mistake. I laugh at myself and evaluate where I can make a change.

I find I need to set up a more organized system for this journey of self-discovery. My lists are in whichever notebook I can find at the moment. I will take today and use it to bring any list together and find them a home in one place. The year is only in its first month and I haven’t fallen behind on any task but getting a grip on any organizing will benefit me in the long run.

My main goal this week is to have a photo shoot with the products I have ready for sale. That was supposed to happen Saturday but due to a scheduling conflict, it didn’t happen. That about rounds it up. My life update in a pretty red bow. Do you have any go-to remedies when you feel as though you have nothing worthy of sharing? Do you laugh at your mistakes instead of beating yourself up? Am I doing anything right?

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Let’s chat in the comments. I am taking any and all suggestions on how I can improve this self-discovery journey. Any books you would suggest that had life-changing effects, drop ’em in the comments.

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A Love Affair with Rejection

Hello World

As we are born into this world, we seek comfort in other human beings. The most reputable bond is that of the mother and child. This bond unites after a nine-month incubation period. Of course, this is a generalization of what society envisions all lives are like. I will go out on a limb and suggest the next most impressionable bond would be that of the child and the paternal parent (that did not carry the child).

In today’s more modern society it is common to adopt children, artificially inseminate, or opt for surrogacy. Emphasis is placed on the importance of skin to skin bonding. Adoptive parents are in the delivery room as are new moms-to-be via surrogate, waiting to bond with the new arrival. Pictures are plastered on social media with shirtless dads embracing their newborn everso gently reinforcing these findings.

But what about the moments during our formative years when we seek approval and guidance? I would classify the formative years to span from six years old to teen. I suggest it is in these years we are most impressionable and if we are not reassured we spend our lives in a twisted love affair with rejection. During this phase, our need for guidance sets the tone for who we are to become and the sense of self develops according to the response of our caregivers.

This, of course, is my opinion and not proven fact. I built this opinion based off of my own experiences with rejection. I tend to shy away from discussing this topic which has resulted in no improvement leading me here today. Shame and embarrassment have held me, hostage, long enough!

“When we go in search of our true self we must be open to the habits and routines we have created that are unhealthy and affect us negatively”.

Candace Lynne

An Honest Observation

It is only recently I have been witness to this torture cycle in my life. The evidence is in the intimate relationships I seek with unavailable men. Not unavailable as in married (although I was involved with a married man for two years) but in the emotionally unavailable way.

As I mentally scan over my history of relationships I see the seamless pattern. In high school, I wouldn’t have but one significant relationship that began my junior year but throughout high school, I had a ” friend”. Whether or not either of us was in a relationship, we would come together in secrecy. I can remember going through phases of wanting more from him but withheld my feelings out of fear he would no longer want our “down low” sex sessions. And this very pattern has weaved itself throughout all of my relationships. Never to reveal my true feelings because of the friends with benefits arrangement agreed upon. An agreement that has been the preface of all the relationships I have entertained.

Up until now, I contributed it to commitment issues when in reality it is because I was taught, during my formative years, that attention is attention albeit negative or positive. Having the reputation of a heartless, freaky girl landed me in many relentless, toxic, unforgiving relationships. Each day was a mystery. Would I play detective and follow the clues of their lies or would I sit back and look pretty? Thriving in chaos is an addicts livelihood and I gravitate towards those similar to me, doubling the drama.

It is always in the back of my mind that I can change them, help them, and mold them into loving me. Convince them I was enough. I leave you to imagine how it has ended time after time. Most importantly I rejected myself by not expressing my true feelings about situations. Minimizing my need for acceptance has not gone without damage. On an evolving mission for connection, I failed to realize it is the connection with myself that is missing.

“Rejection attaches itself to your purpose and amplifies your need for acceptance while diminishing your self-worth.“

Candace Lynne

Evaluation

Determined to break the cycle, I have chosen 2019 as the year to embark on a self-discovery journey and I am fortunate this pattern presented itself. While I cannot control how another feels I can validate my own feelings by expressing them and not entering into relationships with meaningless sex and rejection.

One thing that I have learned in sobriety is that no one can take away or change the way I feel. They may not reciprocate the same sediment but that does not discount mine. I have allowed others to control how I feel based off of their own feelings. This is true even with my Ma. Sharing how I feel has not been met with smiles and rainbows rather continuous excuses and examples of how I do not feel that way. When this happens I pause and polity state that that….” is how I feel and just because that wasn’t your intentions does not mean I do not feel that way.” That statement is powerful for someone who has always allowed others to tell her how she feels.

With each failed relationship I have internalized the belief that I was not good enough. I cannot recall exactly at what age I began to feel less than but being able to associate this is monumental for my healing process. It was with my most recent friend I discovered my exact contribution to my relationships up until this point. I have always held myself accountable for the toxicity I brought into the relationship without knowing where it was rooted. Now I move forward with a sharp-shooter shovel digging that bitch up!!

I have come to accept that my paternal source was broken. From what, I will never know, but in order for me to forgive, I must rationalize. His well had no love to give. The saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is suitable in relation to the lack of love I received from my father and is what I have tried to do for others. You cannot possibly love another without loving yourself first.

Fortunately for me, I have had enough love to share with my daughter however I am guilty of not being emotionally available, as I never fully developed in that area. I began drinking and using drugs during maturation, stunting my ability to rely on myself for coping. Instead, I used substances to change the way I felt. Choosing to do so went on to destroy the innocent, imaginative girl that was, replacing her with a calloused, angry, hurt, and lost fragile girl. And now here I stand stripped down, vulnerable and ready to learn to love the unique qualities I was told were no good.

A note from me to you: