Truck’n Along

Holla!

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I am happy to report a more positive mindset. That is part of depression lessening and part of medication reaching its shelf life in my system. I am about 20 days free from the antipsychotic I was taking.

I have actual feelings. I mean, I feel things in my gut and when I am medicated, that tingle isn’t there. I’ve had two restless nights, my appetite has decreased (common for me), and I haven’t felt irritable. All good signs. I am paying attention to my tolerance levels. How well I tolerate “life” is a good indicator of my stability.

Not too long ago I mentioned making a journal for a co-worker. I said I would take photos but I didn’t. Damn laziness. Well, the receiver of the journal has commissioned me to make two for her daughters. She will gift them at Christmas. The two are close in age and are pre-teen (12ish). Lucky me I have some covers and signatures already sized for one another. All that they require is binding and embellishments. I am pleased with the content of the pages for a teen journal. There is plenty of room that encourages writing. Most, if not all, of the pages have ruling on them and are bright white. My design theory says that teens aren’t so into vintage so the white paper is perfect! (I could be wrong) I’ve chosen a solid color to decorate with throughout each journal. One seafoam green and the other purple.

Mixed media journal page by me

Idol Time

During my downtime, I have taken to YouTube. Would you consider that social media? Just curious. I feel it is more of an instructional platform but that’s neither here nor there. I mention this because I stumbled upon a DIYer who has like 77k subscribers – that’s a lot – and aside from her videos I looked at her comment section. One video had over 200 comments and she liked like the first 3-5 comments and did not reply to one. This irks me enough to be here discussing it. First of all why even have the comment section available if you aren’t going to chat with your fans? They are obviously fans or they wouldn’t be subscribed. Amiright? Second of all how does someone have that many followers when they do not engage with the community?

I don’t subscribe to just anyone’s account. I am particular. But I accidentally hit the subscribe button while on her channel. I immediately unsubscribed because I hadn’t seen enough of her channel. That’s when I ventured into the comment section and saw her lack of engagement. Just from that alone, I will not subscribe to her channel. And it’s sad because she had some decent content, at least that’s what I saw from watching three of her videos. I know my follow doesn’t make or break her. She is established and kudos to her but how? From content alone? Am I expecting too much from a stranger who offers inspiration in the DIY community?

I’ll be honest, I just think it’s rude as hell to not at least like a complimentary comment. I mean, every comment left encouraged her to keep creating, continue doing what she does, etc… All positive, confidence-boosting love and nothing. No response from her. Like, how dare her. How? Why? 🤔 I literally stopped what I was doing to add this to this post. I wanted to put it in her comment section but I thought what’s the point? Seeing this infuriates me and yet it’s none of my business.

What I can do is come to the platform I use and express my gratitude to those of you who care to read what I have to say. No, I don’t offer step-by-step instructions on how to do something. Hell, I don’t even share science-backed information. I’m just a woman sharing her story and perspective of the world. The most important aspect of sharing is acknowledging the audience who encourages me, supports me, and interacts with me. That’s the least I can do. So with all that said, thank you to each of you who read, comment, or like. I will always keep the mindset of y’alls importance to my space. I appreciate the time you borrow from your day to read what I have to say.

Creative Fun

Moving on. I am determined to learn to draw a face (seen above). I have been practicing different styles of noses, eyes, and lips. I haven’t quite got the hair down yet or the ears but those will come in due time. Here are a few sketches I’ve done. I am obsessed with drawing them 😂

Not too shabby for a beginner if I do say so myself. Progress, not perfection. I am teaching myself highlight and contour via make-up tutorials on Pinterest. Really I am just using the images of a few pins to guide me. I’ve done a little shading but I am not familiar enough to shade a face using a pencil. I will, however, use vibrant oil pastels, using light and dark variations of the same color. You can see that in the first photo. I am super proud of her. I like her.

Well, that’s about it for me. How ‘bout you? Don’t forget to share your opinion about the YouTube hoopla. Am I being over-dramatic?

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It Persists. I Create.

Depression is kicking my ass. I keep reminding myself this shall pass. It persists. Confirming it’s impression from days of past. No definite of how long this episode will last. It’s depth, vast. A shadow is cast.

A collage page from my journal

Often I am asked, what is wrong? Or what does depression feel like? Unfortunately, I have no answers but I’ll give it a go. It is constant. It is like an itch that cannot be scratched. There is a feeling there but no words to describe how it feels. If I had to choose a word I’d say, for myself, numb. Then I ponder if numb has a feeling considering… Void of feeling. Yet there is a feeling. Oh I got it!! It’s like white noise or static. It isn’t loud enough for others to hear. A constant hum that lingers despite tuning it out. Trying is describe depression is similar to catching a hummingbird. It’s a feeling rather a noise. A consistent noise that only you can feel.

A spread from my journal

Anyways

My creativity is at an all time high (not counting the past week spent in bed). What I love the most about using paper to create is if you don’t like what you created, you can use layers to cover it up and start over. At the beginning of July I decided I wanted to start carrying my passport size travelers journal. I did so to encourage creating on the go and to have a place for the random daily papers I sometimes accumulate. It’s worked out well. I will most likely continue carrying it. I themed this month’s mini journal “play”.

Words clipped from magazines make great journal pages

It has encouraged me to play using my creative mind. I think that’s where we go wrong as adults. We quit playing. I am guilty and I would like to apologize to myself for having stopped play.

While I am at it

I would also like to formerly apologize for discontinuing Monday Morning Mantra without notice. I’m not so certain those posts were a hit but if you liked them, my apologies. When I am in a slump the first thing to suffer is my productivity. And having a set posting schedule is part of a productive routine.

Just me, playing

Wrap’n it Up But First

I am fortunate to have a support system for when I am muddling my way through. I mean they are always there but more so during times of uncertainty. For instance, my Baby Momma (daughter’s step-mom) dropped in a random hello, how are you? Now she has seen me at my worst and still comes around yet only when it seems necessary. We have a soul connection. Perhaps I beckon her when I am down. Who knows but I do know that speaking with her and seeing my mother are about the only 2 things that counterbalance the yuck. I think it’s important to recognize such connections. During this episode I’ve also noticed the growth in my relationship when it comes to support. It has evolved. Just by acknowledging these two scenarios I bring light to the darkness that encompasses me. I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Ok, ok, okay

This post is all over the place so if you made it this far, thanks! It helps me to process by writing things out and lucky you, this is my soundboard. I went outside of my comfort zone and shared some photo’s from my journal for your viewing pleasure in hopes of it lessening the agony of reading my dribble. I’ve fallen behind on the newsletter but my intentions are to send some words that route soon. Don’t miss out. Subscribe!

How are you holding up?? Is the heat wave affecting your area?