Truck’n Along

Holla!

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I am happy to report a more positive mindset. That is part of depression lessening and part of medication reaching its shelf life in my system. I am about 20 days free from the antipsychotic I was taking.

I have actual feelings. I mean, I feel things in my gut and when I am medicated, that tingle isn’t there. I’ve had two restless nights, my appetite has decreased (common for me), and I haven’t felt irritable. All good signs. I am paying attention to my tolerance levels. How well I tolerate “life” is a good indicator of my stability.

Not too long ago I mentioned making a journal for a co-worker. I said I would take photos but I didn’t. Damn laziness. Well, the receiver of the journal has commissioned me to make two for her daughters. She will gift them at Christmas. The two are close in age and are pre-teen (12ish). Lucky me I have some covers and signatures already sized for one another. All that they require is binding and embellishments. I am pleased with the content of the pages for a teen journal. There is plenty of room that encourages writing. Most, if not all, of the pages have ruling on them and are bright white. My design theory says that teens aren’t so into vintage so the white paper is perfect! (I could be wrong) I’ve chosen a solid color to decorate with throughout each journal. One seafoam green and the other purple.

Mixed media journal page by me

Idol Time

During my downtime, I have taken to YouTube. Would you consider that social media? Just curious. I feel it is more of an instructional platform but that’s neither here nor there. I mention this because I stumbled upon a DIYer who has like 77k subscribers – that’s a lot – and aside from her videos I looked at her comment section. One video had over 200 comments and she liked like the first 3-5 comments and did not reply to one. This irks me enough to be here discussing it. First of all why even have the comment section available if you aren’t going to chat with your fans? They are obviously fans or they wouldn’t be subscribed. Amiright? Second of all how does someone have that many followers when they do not engage with the community?

I don’t subscribe to just anyone’s account. I am particular. But I accidentally hit the subscribe button while on her channel. I immediately unsubscribed because I hadn’t seen enough of her channel. That’s when I ventured into the comment section and saw her lack of engagement. Just from that alone, I will not subscribe to her channel. And it’s sad because she had some decent content, at least that’s what I saw from watching three of her videos. I know my follow doesn’t make or break her. She is established and kudos to her but how? From content alone? Am I expecting too much from a stranger who offers inspiration in the DIY community?

I’ll be honest, I just think it’s rude as hell to not at least like a complimentary comment. I mean, every comment left encouraged her to keep creating, continue doing what she does, etc… All positive, confidence-boosting love and nothing. No response from her. Like, how dare her. How? Why? 🤔 I literally stopped what I was doing to add this to this post. I wanted to put it in her comment section but I thought what’s the point? Seeing this infuriates me and yet it’s none of my business.

What I can do is come to the platform I use and express my gratitude to those of you who care to read what I have to say. No, I don’t offer step-by-step instructions on how to do something. Hell, I don’t even share science-backed information. I’m just a woman sharing her story and perspective of the world. The most important aspect of sharing is acknowledging the audience who encourages me, supports me, and interacts with me. That’s the least I can do. So with all that said, thank you to each of you who read, comment, or like. I will always keep the mindset of y’alls importance to my space. I appreciate the time you borrow from your day to read what I have to say.

Creative Fun

Moving on. I am determined to learn to draw a face (seen above). I have been practicing different styles of noses, eyes, and lips. I haven’t quite got the hair down yet or the ears but those will come in due time. Here are a few sketches I’ve done. I am obsessed with drawing them 😂

Not too shabby for a beginner if I do say so myself. Progress, not perfection. I am teaching myself highlight and contour via make-up tutorials on Pinterest. Really I am just using the images of a few pins to guide me. I’ve done a little shading but I am not familiar enough to shade a face using a pencil. I will, however, use vibrant oil pastels, using light and dark variations of the same color. You can see that in the first photo. I am super proud of her. I like her.

Well, that’s about it for me. How ‘bout you? Don’t forget to share your opinion about the YouTube hoopla. Am I being over-dramatic?

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Size Does Matter!

Tisk, Tisk

Whoever said size doesn’t matter has never carried a notebook or planner 😉 I’m back today to discuss notebook/planner sizes. Surely you didn’t think since having found the holy grail of notebooks that my romance with stationery ended. Pst.

A Standard

Here’s a quick rundown. Paper sizes are measured on a standard paper size scale. International Standard Organization (ISO) specifies paper sizes used in most countries except for the U.S. and Canada which size their own sizing standard.

*The link provided goes in-depth about the differences between countries’ paper sizes.

There are a lot of mathematical formulas behind A, B, and C paper sizes but the common feature is that any successive paper size measurement is determined by halving the dimensions of the preceding one.

I use the ISO paper sizing chart for a few reasons. One is because I use a travelers notebook system and another reason is for ease when ordering products online.

• Click the link to learn more about this unique system. You won’t regret it 😉

Notebook size comparison

Write or Type

Analog systems are fully customizable. Did I mention handwriting is linked to mental health benefits and memory retention? A paper system can include but is not limited to planners, journals, common books, and sketchbooks. A basic notebook is a handy reference tool for meetings or classroom notes.

In today’s climate, high-tech phones have all but replaced the practice of analog systems. Computer files replaced filing cabinets. And the cloud did away with photo albums. The common denominator; access. With a handheld device and the push of a button, information is at our fingertips. This access rewards the instant gratification we’ve become accustomed to.

Similar to its predecessor notebooks store information. And with the market still intact, stationery companies have evolved, offering a variety of sizes. Just as technology has gone from a desktop to our hands, notebooks evolved from a backpack to our pocket.

On the Go or At Home?

The flexibility an analog system offers, while reaping other benefits, makes it my preferred method of recording and creating. However, I am not fully analog. I rely on technology for blogging, editing, an alarm clock, a calculator, and shopping.

As for my size preference, I utilize different sizes depending on if I am home or mobile. If I am going places I prefer easy to carry. Creating on the go is done with limited supplies. Small and minimal art is usually the result. Currently, I use a passport-sized travelers notebook. At home the opposite is true. I express myself creatively in large, sometimes oversized books. Accessibility is a key factor.

Ahhh! Beauties 😉

My journal, on the other hand, is an A5. An average size notebook. I need more room when I am writing than creating. Yes, I carry both every day! A fun little insight: an EDC is an everyday carry. A cute acronym present in the stationery community. My journal isn’t exclusive to writing. The paper in my journal handles a variety of mediums including watercolor. I am 100% satisfied with A5 for use as my journal but I am itching to try the personal size for on-the-go creating.

That’s the beauty of analog. You can switch it up without breaking the bank. Part of the appeal of travelers’ journaling is the personalization and aesthetic. There are SO many options to choose from!! Makers create covers using all kinds of materials but the ones made of leather are a true investment. I own two leather travelers journals, a passport, and a regular size, each from different companies but both cherished tools.

How Self-Aware Are You: Part 2

How Self-Aware Are You?

Motivation and Desire

Welcome back to the discussion about self-awareness: The most important aspect of self-improvement (IMO). The starting point of a rewarding yet emotional journey.

Find Part 1 here

In our previous discussion, we expanded on the definition of self-awareness. We explored character traits and feelings. Part 2 of this two-part series will dive into motive and desire. As a refresher let’s define self-awareness.

Self-awareness is the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motive, and desire.

Motive

For reference sake, let’s define what motive is. According to Oxford Language, motive is a reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious.

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Keep in mind that these topics can be interpreted a million ways. Both parts of this series are meant to be basic and a stepping stone to start your personal journey of improvement. Remember I am not a licensed therapist.

((Full disclosure: I lived sick in this area of my life more than I’ve not. I have grown significantly, however, my objective view on motive is skewed and underdeveloped…Soooo instead of wasting your time, I did some reading and this is what I gathered about motive 🤓))

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Guess what?? I suggest using pen and paper to list your motive(s)? Write em down. Next to it – be honest – write pro or con.

Princeton WordNet offers a more descriptive definition of motive. One that I align with.

the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior.

123test.com says this: motives are about what sets people in motion. For example, are you more interested in autonomy and individual freedom or is it power and status that drive you? The following motives are commonly distinguished:

1. Financial reward: importance one attaches to high income, materialism;
2. Power and influence: desire to be able to lead or influence other people and events;
3. Altruism: contributing to the bigger picture and making one’s own financial interests or other interests secondary to this;
4. Self-development: work in which there’s room to develop yourself further;
5. Creativity: coming up with new ideas or products, being actively involved in creation;
6. Social contacts: conviviality and friendship;
7. Autonomy: independence and being able to make decisions oneself;
8. Security: holding long-term security in high regard, e.g. pension, permanent income and one’s own house in which one can continue to live for a long time;
9. Status and prestige: impression or appearance is the more important motive, e.g. through money or a specialisation;
10. Variety: plenty of different types of work;
11. Structure: work that consists in set routines and tasks;
12. Influence: being able to determine what other people have to do and influencing decisions;
13. Work-life balance: work that fits in well with your personal life and ties in favourably with your free time;
14. Working conditions: nice workplace, nice building, nice location, favourable working conditions.

Use the above information to guide your list. I will do the same. Moving on.

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Desire

a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Forgive me as I work through this aloud. I’m afraid it is hard to differentiate between desire and motive. By definition, desire is a feeling whereas motive is a reason. Still, close, to me. And since this post is meant to be informational, I Googled it 😉

My Findings

Ironyoflife.com has this to say:

Desire and motivation are not the same thing. Desire is wanting to do something, but motivation is making it happen. You need a desire to have motivation, but you do not need motivation to have a desire.

“When we talk about our goals, we usually define them in terms of why they are our goals and how we’re going to achieve them. To describe them this way, we tend to use the words “motivation” and “desire” interchangeably.”

Yeah, what they said 😉

I strongly encourage you to read the article I linked if you want to explore further. And that’s about it for part 2 of this two-part series. If you find yourself unsure of where to start your self-improvement journey, start with self-awareness. The key is honesty, acceptance, and kindness. One step at a time.

Until next time. I hope this post inspires you to begin.

Xo

Candace

It Persists. I Create.

Depression is kicking my ass. I keep reminding myself this shall pass. It persists. Confirming it’s impression from days of past. No definite of how long this episode will last. It’s depth, vast. A shadow is cast.

A collage page from my journal

Often I am asked, what is wrong? Or what does depression feel like? Unfortunately, I have no answers but I’ll give it a go. It is constant. It is like an itch that cannot be scratched. There is a feeling there but no words to describe how it feels. If I had to choose a word I’d say, for myself, numb. Then I ponder if numb has a feeling considering… Void of feeling. Yet there is a feeling. Oh I got it!! It’s like white noise or static. It isn’t loud enough for others to hear. A constant hum that lingers despite tuning it out. Trying is describe depression is similar to catching a hummingbird. It’s a feeling rather a noise. A consistent noise that only you can feel.

A spread from my journal

Anyways

My creativity is at an all time high (not counting the past week spent in bed). What I love the most about using paper to create is if you don’t like what you created, you can use layers to cover it up and start over. At the beginning of July I decided I wanted to start carrying my passport size travelers journal. I did so to encourage creating on the go and to have a place for the random daily papers I sometimes accumulate. It’s worked out well. I will most likely continue carrying it. I themed this month’s mini journal “play”.

Words clipped from magazines make great journal pages

It has encouraged me to play using my creative mind. I think that’s where we go wrong as adults. We quit playing. I am guilty and I would like to apologize to myself for having stopped play.

While I am at it

I would also like to formerly apologize for discontinuing Monday Morning Mantra without notice. I’m not so certain those posts were a hit but if you liked them, my apologies. When I am in a slump the first thing to suffer is my productivity. And having a set posting schedule is part of a productive routine.

Just me, playing

Wrap’n it Up But First

I am fortunate to have a support system for when I am muddling my way through. I mean they are always there but more so during times of uncertainty. For instance, my Baby Momma (daughter’s step-mom) dropped in a random hello, how are you? Now she has seen me at my worst and still comes around yet only when it seems necessary. We have a soul connection. Perhaps I beckon her when I am down. Who knows but I do know that speaking with her and seeing my mother are about the only 2 things that counterbalance the yuck. I think it’s important to recognize such connections. During this episode I’ve also noticed the growth in my relationship when it comes to support. It has evolved. Just by acknowledging these two scenarios I bring light to the darkness that encompasses me. I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Ok, ok, okay

This post is all over the place so if you made it this far, thanks! It helps me to process by writing things out and lucky you, this is my soundboard. I went outside of my comfort zone and shared some photo’s from my journal for your viewing pleasure in hopes of it lessening the agony of reading my dribble. I’ve fallen behind on the newsletter but my intentions are to send some words that route soon. Don’t miss out. Subscribe!

How are you holding up?? Is the heat wave affecting your area?

Intact Yet Out of Whack

I am considering, once again, going off my medication. Yes, I am stable. Yes, I am reliable. Yes, my creativity is still intact but I am bored with life. Typically I am full of life. Loads of passion. I’ve been called animated. Charismatic even. All of those compliments go by the waist side when I am medicated because all of those characteristics are out the window when I am medicated. The only way I know how to feel like myself is to stop taking the antipsychotic I take. I, of course, would then up my antidepressant to help with my symptoms. Dare I say I’d rather be crazy than boring any day! There. I said it. And I mean it.

The only part about taking medication that I can tell a difference is my reaction to life. Perhaps since I have acknowledged this I can now work on it. I have an emotional reaction, physically to everything but guess what?? I am used to it. That is how I was created and voiding me of it depresses me significantly. I will continue taking my antidepressant as that helps keep me alive. Really. And I will monitor myself to make sure I don’t start rapid cycling. Damn. Typing that makes it all so real. I have rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies. Fuck.

Maybe I should stop all medication and crawl in a hole. Ugh!

I spend 90% of my time in bed. The other 10% is spent at work. No, I am not sleeping all that time but I am stuck in bed. Nothing excites me anymore. I need to explore. I need to move my body. I need to shake the 30 pounds I’ve gained from this damn medication. I need to feel like myself 😒 I try not to rant very often but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head. I need to find a solution but is there one? I don’t think I will find resolve considering my circumstances and that sickens me.

I’ve had no motivation to keep up with Monday Morning Mantra. It sucks I can’t even find the umph to do something once a week. Last week I used the excuse, It’s Fourth of July to not post and this week I have no excuse. It’s me. That’s all. Ironically I have been creating a lot. I don’t feel like I’ve been bit by the creative bug more so I am using up materials I’ve acquired. That was a goal for 2022 so maybe I am on track with something.

Having a new puppy is a lot of work especially when the pup is the jealous type. Grrrr. She’s giving me a run for my money so to speak. How do you teach a pup personal space? I’ve been spoiled by my 12-year old dog. He is a Maltese and as laid back as they come. Well the new pup seems hellbent to force him to play tug of war by chin checking him with a toy in her mouth. He’s old and wants nothing to do with her. He gives in every once in a while but for the most part wants to be left alone. She requires attention 100% of the time and frankly, I don’t have it to give. Not at 100%. We ordered her a training collar with a beep, vibrate, and shock setting. We haven’t had to use the shock setting because the vibration and beeping are working, temporarily. She doesn’t seem to retain discipline. It’s been difficult to say the least.

I have been on YouTube a lot lately. I like to watch videos of art journaling, stationery hauls, and anything else to do with paper 😂 It calms my active mind. I’ve also watched a few Netflix specials.

I don’t know how to process mundane. It’s too slow for me. I don’t even know what I mean by that but tis how it is. Let’s see how things go. I have a doctors appointment on the 18th so I can increase my antidepressant. We will see what happens 🤓 I ain’t scared 😉 I have the tools I need to succeed 😝 *shakes head* Don’t ask me. I’m off to treat myself to a yogurt with fruit, honey, and granola. Yummy!

Attitude Adjustment

Just when I think my depression is waning, it waxes. Ugh! Since September of 21, I have been battling laziness. As soon as I overcome my laziness in pops depression. Why? Is it the heat? Is it the never-ending demands of my job? Is it the new puppy we adopted? Or is it simply the way depression operates? I’ll never know for certain but I think it’s a combination of it all. You would think that I would have accepted it by now. Accepted that bipolar depression is not something that I can control. I can, however, look after my mindset and my outlook. Sure it’s difficult but it makes a world of difference.

I am grateful for:

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Creativity

A roof over my head

Air conditioning in my home and in my car (it’s fixed🤗)

Hope in my heart

Compassion

And last but not least,

my job.

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I have been having creative spurts that I am using to make a coworker a journal. Her birthday is in November and me carrying my notebook prompted her to share that she too likes to write. So…what better gift than a handmade journal, right? I will make sure to take pics of the final product to show y’all. I wish I had done that with the others I have gifted. In total, I’ve made about 15. Two of the fifteen were ordered while the remaining 13 were given as gifts. The most typical response I’ve received is, I don’t want to mess it up!! Everyone is afraid to add their artwork to them so with that in mind I made this one with bare bones and included matching papers for use by the new owner. Problem solved. I hope.

I have a three-bedroom, two-bath home with 2 acres of land. It is made a home having Mister, two pups, and a cat. We live in a state that has many days of heat advisory so having central heat and air conditioning is a must. We are fortunate to have it because not everyone does. You may remember me saying that my car’s a.c. was acting up. It is now working making my drive to work tolerable.

Despite the weight of depression, I have hope in my heart for better days. This hope extends beyond my depression. It reminds me that with compassion for myself and others I will survive. And last on my list, work. I am grateful to be employed and to pay my bills on time. Work is more stressful than not but I push through each shift with a smile on my face. Sometimes my smile will drop but I do my best to remember that the shift doesn’t last forever. We are short-staffed. This inevitably puts more strain on the existing staff. Working in the restaurant business comes with its own struggles so adding more work presents a difficult dynamic. It seems a vicious cycle that my employer can’t seem to get ahead of.

This practice of gratitude helped shift my attitude from blah to grateful. Some days this practice isn’t easy. Yeah, it’s easy to write a list but to truly honor that list you’ve got to sit with it. I am fortunate in many ways that when I am feeling cheated or slighted I have plenty to remind myself of. Just having my basic needs met is enough to cherish. Do you ever find yourself in a rut of ungratefulness? What helps you to appreciate what you have?

Until next time

xoxo

Tech Stuff

It’s been a while since I have done any behind-the-scenes tech stuff but my theme is expired -which sucks btw because it is bad-ass – leaving me vulnerable. I used to enjoy exploring and punching buttons to discover the function but nowadays, not so much. All of my posts over the past two years have been designed to streamline my themes feed. Ie, no title images. I love the minimal look and my theme offers just that. I want the focus of my blog to be the words written so I limit the distractions. I purposely do not run ads on my blog for this very reason. Basically what it boils down to is it’s inconvenient and annoying but I will survive. Just a heads up if you happen to pursue my sight and things seem a little wonky. No worries. It’s just me.

It seems my life and evolution have come to a screeching halt. I used to have plenty to blog about in terms of learning life lessons but nowadays, nothing. Oh, believe me, the break is welcomed, however, the dryness of the blog is a concern. I am not fretting over it like I used to. I suppose when you neglect something it is put on the back of your priority list so there ya have it.

I am working on building my confidence as a writer. So it’s possible I will blog more frequently. Not a writer in the sense of writing books but perhaps offering writing services. I’ve always felt like I am a great proofreader as I notice every misspelled word. Another thing, I always have an opinion after scrolling a website as far as user-friendliness is concerned. These are two skills I am thinking of honing in on in hopes that I may establish a new career.

I’ve been disconnected a lot lately and it is affecting my relationship. Rightfully so. I can see why my previous relationships went the way they did. Or at least I acknowledge my part in the failure. I’ve lived much of my life disassociated and to disassociate is easy. Dare I say natural. But me not being present isn’t fair to my partner. He is worth me trying and getting unstuck for so I will do just that.

Going back to blog talk, I have been working with others in trade for reviews. My blogger outreach post has sent a few folks my way and I couldn’t be happier. So make sure to keep an eye out for future posts. You may find something that interests you!

If you are really interested, subscribe to receive the Garden in your inbox. I update there before I do on the blog. So get your R.O.E. news first and hit that subscribe button 😉