It Persists. I Create.

Depression is kicking my ass. I keep reminding myself this shall pass. It persists. Confirming it’s impression from days of past. No definite of how long this episode will last. It’s depth, vast. A shadow is cast.

A collage page from my journal

Often I am asked, what is wrong? Or what does depression feel like? Unfortunately, I have no answers but I’ll give it a go. It is constant. It is like an itch that cannot be scratched. There is a feeling there but no words to describe how it feels. If I had to choose a word I’d say, for myself, numb. Then I ponder if numb has a feeling considering… Void of feeling. Yet there is a feeling. Oh I got it!! It’s like white noise or static. It isn’t loud enough for others to hear. A constant hum that lingers despite tuning it out. Trying is describe depression is similar to catching a hummingbird. It’s a feeling rather a noise. A consistent noise that only you can feel.

A spread from my journal

Anyways

My creativity is at an all time high (not counting the past week spent in bed). What I love the most about using paper to create is if you don’t like what you created, you can use layers to cover it up and start over. At the beginning of July I decided I wanted to start carrying my passport size travelers journal. I did so to encourage creating on the go and to have a place for the random daily papers I sometimes accumulate. It’s worked out well. I will most likely continue carrying it. I themed this month’s mini journal “play”.

Words clipped from magazines make great journal pages

It has encouraged me to play using my creative mind. I think that’s where we go wrong as adults. We quit playing. I am guilty and I would like to apologize to myself for having stopped play.

While I am at it

I would also like to formerly apologize for discontinuing Monday Morning Mantra without notice. I’m not so certain those posts were a hit but if you liked them, my apologies. When I am in a slump the first thing to suffer is my productivity. And having a set posting schedule is part of a productive routine.

Just me, playing

Wrap’n it Up But First

I am fortunate to have a support system for when I am muddling my way through. I mean they are always there but more so during times of uncertainty. For instance, my Baby Momma (daughter’s step-mom) dropped in a random hello, how are you? Now she has seen me at my worst and still comes around yet only when it seems necessary. We have a soul connection. Perhaps I beckon her when I am down. Who knows but I do know that speaking with her and seeing my mother are about the only 2 things that counterbalance the yuck. I think it’s important to recognize such connections. During this episode I’ve also noticed the growth in my relationship when it comes to support. It has evolved. Just by acknowledging these two scenarios I bring light to the darkness that encompasses me. I think that’s a beautiful thing.

Ok, ok, okay

This post is all over the place so if you made it this far, thanks! It helps me to process by writing things out and lucky you, this is my soundboard. I went outside of my comfort zone and shared some photo’s from my journal for your viewing pleasure in hopes of it lessening the agony of reading my dribble. I’ve fallen behind on the newsletter but my intentions are to send some words that route soon. Don’t miss out. Subscribe!

How are you holding up?? Is the heat wave affecting your area?

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Monday Morning Mantra

Welcome to Revenge of Eve’s

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Each Monday I shuffle and draw two cards from two sources, a box set and a deck. The box set boasts encouragement, self-love, goals and focus while the deck affirms our individual power. I then use the two cards to guide me throughout the week. I place the cards on my refrigerator as a visual reference and I write them daily in my journal as written reference. If I find myself experiencing unwanted emotions or challenging thoughts I refer to the cards drawn. I have found this to be an empowering and powerful exercise. One that I decided to share with my readers.

Affirmation

I learned a saying a while back, What others think of me is none of my business. This is true as is this week’s affirmation. What others think about us has nothing to do with us but rather their perception of who we are. Just because others have an opinion does not make it our truth. What one person sees as pushy another will deem assertive and another, a leader. We are perceived through varying filters therefore it is more important that we let go of the opinion of others. Our freedom relies upon it.

Encouragement

Other people may try to extinguish your flame with their perception of you. Never let someone dull your light. Keep shining bright!!

Have a happy week!!

A Little Bit of This and That

👋 Hiya

Late February and early March I was struggling with my outlook on life. I am happy to announce that I have turned a corner and no longer see things too pessimistically. I was beginning to worry as Spring is the worst for my S.A.D. (Seasonal depressive disorder). I’m not in the clear yet but things are looking up.

I missed Monday Morning Mantra this week because I didn’t wake up until 2:45 pm which is insanity! That was followed by more sleep as I slept through the night. I knew when I woke Tuesday morning that I could not make it to work. I called in and took my butt to the doctor. After two shots in the hip and two scripts, I am feeling more like myself. I have been able to find the motivation to take care of some personal tasks such as getting new tires and paying my car note. Each of which is gratifying yet sucks.

Despite my crabbiness and illness, I am relatively hopeful. I no longer feel weighed down by boredom. For that I am grateful. Now on to taking care of taxes. Meh. I didn’t file 2020’s taxes because I didn’t work but I did get unemployment so I will file that with this year’s measly earnings. That’s always fun.

I’ve recently thought about participating in Blogging from A-Z which begins in April. I read the instructions and it seems simple enough but I do not believe I have the time to dedicate to it although that’s my reason for wanting to give it a go; to make time for blogging. I’ve slacked a lot when it comes to blogging. My analog system has become my primary writing space which I wrangled for years to upkeep but now that that is routine, blogging has taken a backseat. As I read over this update I realize that I severely lack any focus. That can be a big contributor to why I’ve not been blogging much as well. I don’t like being all over the map and I have been for some time now.

I have had a difficult adjusting period with my new medication. It works. So good I could be the posterchild of advertising, however, I am void of any personality. I guess that is ok for the masses but I quite enjoy being a big personality so come next month I am going to chat with my GP about reducing my dose so I can feel a little more like myself. I’ve mentioned this before but April can’t seem to get here soon enough. That sentence alone I’ve never spoken as April has a reputation for taking me down, literally. Perhaps if I welcome it, it will be kinder to me. Who knows? We’ll see.

As far as falling behind on blogging is concerned, I am happy to say that typing this post has helped me to be less hard on myself. The difference between an analog system and blogging is the editing aspect which apparently I need. Last September 2021, I entered the hospital to stabilize. I haven’t been hospitalized in 10 years. Immediately after discharge, I was scheduled for a hysterectomy. The procedure itself went smoothly but the healing time was extensive. I was released to work on November 8th and I obtained employment on the 10th. I had a somewhat lengthy training because my hire-on was in the midst of the holidays but once that was complete, I’ve been busting ass four days a week since then. I was hired on as part-time but it rarely feels like it because of the amount of work involved per shift. I feel my age more than ever. I made it through Christmas and New Year intact and have rolled into now March but not without exhaustion, obviously.

As I added today’s date to my journal, I was taken back that St. Patty’s Day crept up on me without my realizing it. My father is an Irish immigrant and traditionally I celebrated my heritage decked out in green and glam. Let’s not forget the alcohol I consumed to make my celebrating proper. Well, it has been six years since I’ve drank myself into oblivion in the name of being of Irish descent and for that, I am truly humbled. Next month marks seven years of sobriety from alcohol. That blows my mind. In my days of struggling to get sober, I found it best to not count my days of sobriety as I had a tendency to celebrate and then start over counting. A counterproductive system I had in place. When I did away with the counting I was able to accumulate enough days to finalize my sobriety. Now here I am a month shy of seven years and I have no words to describe the journey. Actually, I do but I fear someone in early sobriety reading this saying fuck it because of my experience so I’ll keep it to myself. I will say the outcome has been worth the arduous journey.

I suppose ultimately this post was for myself as I’ve worked through some things differently than I am able to in my journal. It’s a bit all over the place so if you didn’t make it to the end, I understand. I am working toward finding my center and I appreciate your reading despite the lack of purpose. I suppose this post is a great example of mental illness trying to find its normal. Its place in this world. And for those that struggle too, I hope this post shows you that you are not alone. Every day isn’t all bubbles and butterflies. Sometimes it is just editing.

How have you been getting along?? Are you ready for Spring?

It’s Lost but Can Be Found

Sleep eludes me. My mental state seems to be deteriorating. It’s midday and I am taking seraquil to sleep. The sun shines bright but I don’t have much fight left to care. I am on day three of being off. I return to work tomorrow but today is exhausting. I haven’t done anything in a month. My life is an endless stream of unmotivated boredom. It’s days like today I wish I could wash away. I don’t like the thoughts that occupy my mind. They are bleak. All I want to do is sleep. So. I medicate. This isn’t the solution, I know. But I’ve already swallowed it whole. I feel out of control.

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This cloud of numbness is familiar but dayum, will it ever go away? I feel like a slave to my moods. Each and every day. I question my discipline. I shit on motivation. I cuss my existence. Am I being overdramatic? Possibly. The news of a good friend being hospitalized hit me harder than expected. Perhaps because I myself am feeling low. I don’t know but I do hope she is able to find some resolve. Or relief.

I am not political. I do not watch the news. I do not do social media. Yet the news of war has reached me. Why? I am not asking you that per se but really, why? I feel the effects of it. I am sickened to even think that killing people is ever a good solution. It isn’t so why? Ugh. I’m done with that part. In fact, tomorrow is a new day. I’ll wait to see if what I have to say makes better sense.

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New day. Same questions yet a better mind frame from which my thoughts stem. Today I am grateful for positive thinking. Instead of getting caught up in the why’s I am shifting my focus to the present moment. Right now. And right now, I feel better. I am grateful to have slept and found some relief from consecutive days of gloom. Is it just me or do days of dread last longer than days of joy? It seems that way. My head space wasn’t good at the beginning of this post, at all. As much as I hate putting negativity out into the ethereal, I had to get it out. Those ruminating thoughts are the thoughts that eat me alive if I let ‘em.

I began this post Monday and it is now Friday. Today is significantly lighter. What did I do? Nothing to write home about but I did carry my journal with me yesterday for some journaling and sketching on the go. I enjoyed it and will continue to carry it with me. That’s a small win. The sun is out after multiple days of rain, fog, and moisture in the air. That is a sign of better days ahead. Yay!

I am happy to end this rant of sorts on a better note. If your days have been a struggle I hope that today you are able to set your troubles down, take a look around, and be present. I know that that too can be a bit of a battle but wherever you are, you can do it. You deserve it. Take a deep breathe. Exhale. Repeat. That’s where I’m at today. How about you?

Embody

His embrace molds her silhouette

The intricate curvature of her body is met

Before he explore her body

Jigsaw piece by piece

He tease her senses with light strokes of touch

Tempting her erogenous zone

His touch alone

Feels like home

His whisper chill to the bone

As he tighten his grip

Biting her lip she arches

Piecing into his shadow

Embodiment of one

A soul’s union

Unites

And I Get Back Up

Back in the Saddle

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I fell off the proverbial horse. I relapsed in confidence. I back-tracked into self-doubt. I am an easy target for my bullshit and have been my own worst enemy my entire life. But this struggle I conquered. I have. And I refuse to stay stuck in this wake of comparison!

I am fallible. A newcomer to genuine self-love. Each day I remind myself that I am worthy but some days, I fail miserably. I am prone to comparison yet deep down I know I am unique. No better or no less than anyone else. However, this massive feat I wrestled to overcome sometimes rears its ugly head and gets the best of me. Fortunately, I can see it for what it is but it isn’t always transparent.

Recently I got down on myself for not generating an income with my blog. I went as far as to label it hobby blog as though that is a tragedy. It isn’t and I do apologize if I offended anyone who runs one. I am fully aware of why I do not generate an income. And I am ok with the obvious, most days. I regret having published a post that seemed ungrateful. That is the furthest from the truth but sadly my fears blinded me from those truths.

I am super proud of my little space on the internet. It’s mine. I am a self-taught blogger who despite my low self-esteem is impressed that I have almost five years of blogging under my belt. Sure, I’ve ventured into territories that were too big for my britches but I didn’t quit. I’ve changed things up a few times. Doing so taught me valuable lessons. My blog makes me feel brave in many ways. And pride on most days.

It is of utmost importance that I recognize my setback so that I can move on. I continue to battle with perfectionism although I know such doesn’t exist. These old pesky ways dominated me for nearly 42 years and the grip is unrelenting yet once I become aware I am hostage, I can loosen the grip with gentleness.

For days following my post, I beat myself up. How could I be so ungrateful when the opposite is true? How did it slip through my radar? The how’s and why’s flooded my days until I acknowledged it as a mistake. A simple mistake. A setback in my recovery. That’s all. Nothing irreversible, permanent, or damaging, although it may have caused a few readers to question why they bother reading my posts 😒

I wasn’t sure how to approach the situation. I wanted to offer an apology to my readers for sounding ungrateful but that didn’t feel right. So I went with my gut and I showed up just as you’ve read; authentic. More importantly, with compassion for myself. I am learning. Like a newborn learning to crawl, I am loving myself, accepting my shortcomings, and putting one knee in front of the other.

I send tons of love out to every one of you who reads this. I love me too. Lots I attribute to learning from you. If you have been around here for a while, thank you for seeing me through. And if you are new, welcome to my humble, intimate space. Thanks for the support along this journey life I find myself on ❤️

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Please Help!

#11 on Feedspot

So about the heading…??? First off, thank you to whoever submitted R.O.E. to Feedspot. Before purchasing a plan and my domain, I submitted R.O.E. to gain exposure. I was pleased to be featured in the top 100 mental health blogs but unfortunately, I did not gain much traffic from the source. Fast forward four years and now I am #11 on the top 100 mental health blogs!! I received an email stating the great news but as #11 came a great surprise. I am grateful to receive such accolades considering I am a personal blog without many resources. It makes me want to step up my game to fill the shoes of the #11 spot! But not only that, it caused me to question if I am classified as a mental health blog.

The last time I was mysteriously nominated for recognition, my blog was categorized more towards personal development, and to that, I can agree. I was then humbly nominated to receive a bloggers bash award. The nomination itself was an award for me. But this leaves me to question, how do I categorize Revenge of Eve? The simple answer is as an unconventional lifestyle blog but to be fair, that isn’t technically a niche.

If I plan to grow beyond what I have here as of today, and I do, I must gain a better understanding of what direction I want to go. I candidly captioned an unconventional lifestyle blog to afford me a variety of discussion topics. This has given me a wider net to cast but the question remains, what kind of blog is R.O.E.?

Insert You

This is where you, my avid reader, come in. If you had to categorize us (R.O.E.), how would you do so?

A. Personal Development

B. Mental Health

C. Lifestyle (unconventional or otherwise)

D. Just a Blog & you don’t care 😒

Feel free to use the comment section for your answer. And thanks in advance for taking the time to help me gain direction to further provide more useful content!