Here I Go…

Come on Already

Having felt some type of way before Christmas, I can say that I feel much worse today. My frustrations are amplified by lower back pain. Add to that, work. I am over the damn holidays. Maybe this can be attributed to hormones as well. I don’t know. But isn’t it easy to have something to blame when you aren’t feeling up to par?

I work at a 24-hour restaurant where you could say the occasional drunk likes to visit. I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with many as I get off at 9 pm but it is New Year’s Eve and I expect to run into a few. One may assume that because I was a bartender for 22 years that I am accustomed to the crowd that is…well, obnoxious. And I am or I was. Today doesn’t seem to be tolerable for me. I want to call out. My back is jammed and I can barely move without sharp pain taking my breath away. But calling out would mean losing my job or going to the doctor for an excuse which may need to happen considering my level of pain. However, I tell myself to push through.

I am ready for day-to-day life to be back to normal. Or should I say our new normal? I’ve adjusted well to a slower pace. Perhaps that is why the holidays have exhausted me. The hurried frenzy to buy, wrap, prepare, give, cook…sheesh!! Typing it wore me out. Maybe I am being overdramatic. That’s a possibility too except not about the pain I am experiencing.

I ask myself if this is worth publishing and if I am being honest, no. The only purpose it serves is my venting. It may validate someone who is feeling as crappy as me but I doubt it. If anything I sound like a whiney hiney. I need some pep in my step because no amount of bitching stops the clock. I soon have to be of service to hungry customers who don’t give a damn if I am in pain, rightfully so. I should have called out yesterday for today’s shift and taken my ass to the doctor. But I didn’t and I have no one or nothing other than myself to blame.

It’s days like today I wish I followed through with my disability case. I keep telling myself to call and check the status but I haven’t. Meh. And blah. And whaaaaa!! 😂 okay, I feel a little better. Off to work I go!

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Funny story: tomorrow is New Year’s Eve 😩

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6.6.20

Pandemia spread across our sphere, inflamming panic, isolation, and death.

A world attempts to restore the destruction, snuffing the ashes, phase by phase.

Among a nation, where freedom ring, its law enforcement chose segregation. Divided degradation tosses fuel on generations of smoldering ember.

Peaceful protests throughout the day. Riots ignite at night. Innoncent children witness the political prejudice plight.

How are we to educate our children to cope? Holding onto hope seem a slippery slope.

A young woman of mixed ethnicity riddles in anxiety awaiting her fathers return from work. Fears spurred on by years of human oppression trigger a lingering depression.

Absent of choice.

Penalized for pigment.

Exposing an undeniable corrupt undercurrent of elitist. White men abuse positions of power. Accusations of guilt formed of an opinion theorized by the color of one’s skin.

Wait!

Aren’t all God-fearing men capable of sin?

4.9.2020

Pain. It’s relative.

Individuals with individual tolerances

For some, childhood emotional pain prevents them from conquering what it means to adult

And others exhaust personal pain with to-do lists, appointments, work

Add a dose of us who live daily with mental illness

And…what we have.here.today, isss… (yes, Gun n Rose’s lyric)

Pandemonium

Yet in my world,

I am at peace

Speaking in terms of today,

Of course

Blooming at 40?? Yup! 🙂

Before I begin, can someone please tell me how to center the text on the mobile app with the new editor? I suppose I am just realizing how much I use my phone for blogging and not being able to center the text has nerved me to no end!! And has stopped me from posting on more than a few occasions.

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Brief

Maybe you have noticed, maybe not…but things have been the quietest they have ever been around here. There isn’t any particular reason but life has decided there are more things to confront, heal, and process than I had originally speculated. Will I allow it to break me? I’d prefer to let it shape me but that doesn’t go to say it’s easy. If there are two things I have learned about all of this self-improvement shit, it’s that hard realities must be faced with honesty and patience is required throughout all of it.

Patience

When 2019 arrived I made it my mission to forgive those who I felt have wronged me in a way that continues to impact my life. I don’t hold resentments over petty things so my list of those to forgive is short. So short in fact, I had moved through half of that list in the first month by forgiving one person!! Well, technically there is no half to three…there is but I should say there is no half of a person. Lol. However you want to look at it, my list consists of three people. One of those being myself.

Unbeknownst to me, the order I had planned to do the forgiving in, least impactful to most, didn’t go as planned. This is where patience plays a vital role. I’ve realized life unfolds on its own terms and if I encounter resistance its because that isn’t the time for things to unfold. At the beginning of all of this, I found myself trying to force one thing only for another to prevail. Instead of pushing back on my plan, I let go of the reigns and decided it would go much more smoothly if I invested myself in the things that were showing up, in no particular order. I’m not a fan of surprises but let’s just say it has been interesting.

Hard realities and honesty

Being that I have a history with substance abuse, it is a given I will be reminded of things I did that hurt others. Of course, this was never my intention but so the story goes. Alcohol became the filter remover I thought I needed to heal and accept myself but the reality is I spewed some ugly, hurtful words to those who truly matter.

Many of you can attest that I have been at a standstill in my growth/recovery for quite some time. This was the most aggravating phase but it was because I had a vision of how I imagined things to go. I didn’t realize in order for the big things to surface, I had a million little things that lead up to them.

I kept searching and yet there it was, right under my fuck’n nose. I asked and would receive but the truth is…I wasn’t listening. But believe me, I hear it all clearly now. This has been the push I needed. Forcing me to connect with myself on a deeper level (is that even possible?). I’m here to say and as a witness we can always improve but instead of beating ourselves up over it, if we allow it, it comes and goes. The weight that is lifted is much greater than the pain.

The growth that has happened here was made apparent in the way the universe presented it. There’s no way I could’ve missed it. And if you wanna know the truth, it humbled me, shattered my heart, and taught me a huge message about judgment. I am still smoldering and so, I am still a bit sensitive. I am learning to do things different and I may fail but that’s ok. I will never know success until I’ve tasted failure.

Baby steps.

I’m taking baby steps.

And while I tiptoe my way through the last few months of the year, I am going to continue seeking what I desire from within. I’ve accepted this is life and with every step forward, there is the possibility of a step backward…but I think I’ll work on my perspective, and maybe, just maybe, I will find peace just from taking the next right step.

Last Day

Trembling,
her toes grip
the edge of the cliff.

According to society,
as a mother,
she is unfit.

How about sick?

Burdened since birth,
life is her curse.
Punishment
and
Continuous
pain.

Not quite insane.

On the edge she hang.
Shattered pieces
held together
by a fragile frame.
Never again the
same.

Fingers pointed
and
opinions shared
yet not one solution.
She gets it.
They have no care.
Rather
they stare.

Exploit her.
Ostracize her.
Pity her.
Shame her.
Reject her.
Judge her.

and Berate her
until
she’s weak.

She kneels.
No longer can she stand.
Doubt lingers
while pointing fingers.
Control it
they say.

She pleads,
Let this be my last day.

8.5.19

Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?

Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.

You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.

7.25.19

We are experiencing temperatures that we haven’t experienced in over 100 years. Today is as magnificent as any day to be grateful.