Free-flowing thoughts breathe creativity. As I sit in my studio I can’t help but laugh at the oxymorons that are me. As of late, I think in my studio and write in bed. I read in my studio and draw in bed. I sit in my studio and look around. I find joy and inspiration in my studio and I create in my bed. And oh yeah, my favorite color is red.
Before I know it I will sleep in my studio and eat in bed. Sheesh. That I’ll dread. No one wants to create while sitting on crumbs in their bed!! Soon enough these random thoughts will be out of my head. I doubt they stop when I am dead. Thoughts whirlwind, circle, and orbit all-day long never to stop for breakfast, not even a mid-day song.
Thoughts of business, entrepreneurship, and desires for success bounce around. I bet I look like a clown if my thoughts were outside and around. What if thoughts made a sound? Or appear round? Ahhh, profound. Would they be considered thoughts having fallen to the ground? Stop this madness and talk around.
Thoughts come and they go. They free flow. In and about, around and out. A spigot or a spout. Linger thoughts of doubt. I am not going that route! Shout. Shout. Let it all out. These are the thoughts I will go without. So come on 😉 I’m talking to you.
If I am lucky, you are an original seedling here in theGarden and you may remember that with each new year I choose a word to guide my year. No worries if you are a new blossom because I will catch you up to the harvesting ‘round here!! Y’all ready?
I do not do the whole resolution trend. I do my best to steer clear of failure. A little F.Y.I. 80% of resolutions are broken by February! That’s an astounding percentage of shattered goals in a short two months! On a more personal note, because of my path of healing, 2021 did not have a word, however, there is one to sum it up; persistence.
Insert; AQuick Backlog of My Process of Healing
I recently mentioned that the task of releasing attachments is at the forefront of my focus. Having let go of so many material things yet deciding my studio supplies/materials a positive aspect of stuff and “keepable” ☺️, I have arrived at somewhat of a dilemma. What’s that? Well, I’ve nothing left to release!! I began this post with the clever idea of claiming release as 2022’s word but after bringing reality into this idea I realized how not so clever of an idea it is.
The release of material objects seemed to naturally assist in the release of the emotional baggage I held tight to. While it was a natural process it wasn’t pretty by any means. The discovery of my shadow side blindsided my world of love and light. Through the healing process, I learned that while my intentions appear generous, my motive was selfish. More often than not, self-loathing. Yes, doing for others is admirable but not if it is at the expense of your mental health.
Sheesh, y’all…there is SO MUCH growth in that paragraph. Tears stream down my face as I acknowledge my truth. Tears of pride. For someone who loves so strongly yet to discover a seed of hate within themselves, for themselves…shit!!! All I can say is it was an arduous journey I wasn’t positive I’d see the other side of. Because of my persistence, I succeeded. I overcame. Most importantly, I released the lies of trauma. I let go of the not-so-glamorous opinions I held about myself. I released the blatant lies of projection. Wow!! Such a heavyweight, gone. I feel it too. In the tears that roll down my face. In the thoughts that occupy my mind. In the way, I do for others. And most significantly, in the way I see myself.
I didn’t expect this post to go this way. Hell, I thought I was gonna type up a simple one-word-focused post and be on my way. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Release expectation in myself.? Maybe. Hmmm.
Okay. Back to “business”
Where was I? Oh yeah… Word for 2022.
The purpose of my word for the year is to guide my year, challenge me, and teach me how I can contribute to achieving my true-to-self desires. The irony in that is that sometimes when we are constantly doing, we miss out. In previous years my word motivator was action. To do. Now that I am standing on the other side of who I became, I know the importance of being. Knowing the importance and being are two different things though.
Therein lie my challenge and my word for 2022; be. Of all things I began this post thinking it would be, it is the opposite. Imagine that.
Being is about acceptance. Not blaming another or picking someone else apart rather accepting that alone you are whole and fallible. One with where you are (mentally, emotionally, physically), how you feel, what you think, what you do, etc. Being isn’t going to be an easy task for me to conquer. My imagination stretches realities and into infinity so being present will require quite a bit of willpower on my behalf.
Disassociated states are where I’ve existed the majority of my life. If you aren’t familiar with disassociation, think of it as disconnected. Like a void you place between yourself and the present moment. This void separates you from presence, from relationships, and from connections. It is as if you watch yourself interact instead of being a part of the interaction.
It was in 2020 that I accepted disassociation. I learned this as a trauma coping mechanism. Long story. Once learned I continued using it as a defense mechanism to not allow anyone close.
Unaware of its frequency and harm, I continued this tactic while trying to heal. It didn’t work. I kept being met with the same emotional battles. Until I allowed myself to feel. Honestly feel. In short, this is where I am today. I guide myself into feelings with a gentleness I didn’t possess prior. Now that I am aware of my mind’s trick I can monitor it. Perhaps because of the holidays, I find myself more disconnected than usual.
Sooooo. Stick around and let’s see how this goes!!
P.S. Those of you who subscribe to receive theGarden, my “newsletter”, I have been locked out of that account due to not having access to the phone number or email associated with the account despite having the correct username and password 🤔😤 I plan to contact support. If they do not give me access, I will begin a new account. Annoying as it is, please consider subscribing to the new and improved Garden newsletter. I would be saddened to lose any of you although excited about incorporating more frequent communication utilizing email. Keep an eye out for future posts for the 411😊
Who turned up the heat? Or is that just my anxiety? I’ll go ahead and call it; anxiety. I am finding that stuffing things away tricks my mind into thinking I am doing a fine job. I have a dresser that wasn’t pictured in my last post. It is in the closet. I forgot to disclose the drawers need rummaging through. As do these few remaining boxes but I can’t seem to begin on the boxes and I’ll be honest, the dresser wasn’t in the original plan of Monday’s deadline.
My anxiety spiked as I was sorting through my binder clips. Yes, I have many to sort through. I made my way through with dignity. Fighting anxiety and negative self-talk I remembered the mandatory meeting for work at 4pm. This became my excuse to exit my studio.
Sunday: It’s My Birthday!!
The first Sunday of the month Mister and I spend the day with my Ma. Last Sunday I made enchiladas to take to my Baby Momma (my daughter’s stepmom) so we forfeit our visit until this Sunday. I woke up ready to power through the remaining boxes. One box down and time caught me at a stopping point. Now at my mothers my mind wants to be sorting. I feel distracted but I was happy to arrive at a stopping point. Who’s to say I’d be sorting if I were home.
We ventured out to lunch at an organic-focused restaurant where my daughter once worked. Ma suggested a slice of cake to celebrate my special day. I forgot to mention – Mister made me strawberries and creme cake ☺️
While eating a slice Ma suggests we take an ice cream cake home where Girl Other, Kid, and B.I.L. (brother-in-law) wait our arrival. After we shop at my second favorite store we scoop the cake and head to the house. After a short visit, we head home to our house an hour away.
It isn’t evening yet but I’ll call it. I knocked out the one box, leaving one. Mister woke up today feeling ill…probably from all the cake!! I had to run to town to get different pants for work. And now… I am ready for an early afternoon nap. Am I pathetic?
Since this has turned into a play-by-play, I’ll finish it that way. I was able to find my work pants after trying on six pairs. I also had to get new solid black shoes and I scored on those. I bought the dogs in my family their Christmas toys. And I wrapped two gifts. I’m calling it a day. The finale studio post will be once my wall system is hung, Christmas is put up, and when the stars align. Lol. Jk. I’ll do it soon. Maybe a video tour! Who knows??
How did your weekend go? Do you still have shopping left to do?
I’ve mentioned unpacking my studio and part of this process is deciding whether to trash or stash. I have done exceptionally well. No, seriously. I have, however, down to my last boxes I am at the point of leaving things boxed and stashing away to deal with later. The only problem with this is that I want my new year to start fresh. Purposefully sorted. Done away with. I have given myself until Monday evening to be sorted and ready. Today is Friday. I am hopeful because of my progress yet over it. This can go one of two ways. I either say eff it and trash most of it or I organize it into my already packed full studio. Fingers crossed it is the former.
The thing I am finding are my doodles, journals, and notebooks. How many can one have??? No matter the answer, I have too many.
Last year I purchased a cubby cubicle from Amazon. I love it. It is frosted white with 9 cubbies. I bought fabric labeled boxes, with a lid, around the same time. I bought 4 white and 4 black. They conveniently fit in the individual cubby’s. The organization of this is to die for not to mention the aesthetic!
Wall #1 (below) is the largest area I have for storing materials. This beginning photo has two storage containers with drawers stacked on top of two flat storage containers (far right). I end up moving the top two containers to my desk wall. Pictured next is the desk wall. Or should I call it my desk corner? Hmmm 🤔
In photo number 2 (below) you’ll see more drawer storage containers stacked. This ensures every inch of space is taken advantage of. Stacking vertical I’ve found is the best way to utilize space so … I stack. And stack 😂 You can’t really see it from this photo but the dark space behind the desk is my grey, leather craft couch. I need to remove it because I get stuck sitting instead of crafting. I removed the stool from my room and put it under our bar that separates the living and kitchen space.
Next to the couch is a rolling cart with five drawers inside it. This houses the tools I use the most. It has wheels if I need to take it to a different room but it stays put for the most part. Next to the rolling cart are two crates, then two stacked containers with drawers, and a stack of shelves decor piece. This wall is the closet wall with the entrance after the stack of shelves.
In photo 3 (below), the window wall, I pulled out my fabric storage solution which is a shoe rack turned fabric display. I keep this stored in the closet but it is my favorite recycled project. To the far left (near the closet entrance) of the window there is a vintage mailer. It has different sized slots meant for incoming or outgoing mail. A friend of mine gifted me this piece and I absolutely love it although it doesn’t necessarily fit my black and white aesthetic. Hanging in the left corner of the window is a hanger full of scrap lace. I use my artwork as a curtain to allow natural light through the cracks. I will soon be hanging more lighting.
In between my nifty fabric display rack and the mailer is another rolling cart. This one has two pull out wire drawers that are as wide and long as the cart itself. This makes good for all the larger papers in my stash although they haven’t made it there yet. It’s a process folks, a process.
I finished one wall. The final photo is the finished product of Wall #1.
I like recycling. I use milk crates I’ve found loose in vacant yards. They were covered in leaves but I saw the tips of a few so I grabbed them and rinsed them off. Whalah! Stackable storage solution. Then I purchased a few things. Acrylic floating shelves add dimension to my walls until I can add further shelving.
My desk wall will soon feature an acrylic wall system (Russell+Hazel) care of Mister ☺️ I already got my inbox and stapler for my birthday. The rest will be Christmas! I am so excited.
I will post an update Monday evening to see if I accomplished my task in the time frame allotted. Mister has a short list of things to hang and there remain a few boxes for me to sort. I believe I can tackle it. Look out for the finale post 😍 that’ll be featured once my wall system is hanging.
Are you tying up any loose ends before the new year? What’s that look like for you?
I am exhausted. I started a new job about a month ago. It’s alright. It’s a job in the field I know all too well so same shit, different establishment. One would assume my body would be accustomed to it. It isn’t. My mind can wrap around the nonsense. It comes with the territory.
Thanksgiving went well. My Ma prepares all of the food that we take to my sister-in-law’s family house. Helping my Ma is like taking a sucker from a baby. She likes to do it herself. I am her mule though, loading all of the heavy items, reaching for decorations she can not reach, and any other grunt work she needs to be done. I volunteer.
The day following Thanksgiving my things arrived at Misters. This means unpacking while simultaneously decorating for Christmas. And adjusting to my new schedule. The madness. It’s been a while since I’ve felt cynical. Is this holiday exhaustion? My shopping hasn’t even begun!! Priorities such as bills have ruined the excitement of gift-giving. Well, gift purchasing.
My daughter text today, guess who’s birthday is Sunday?!? Mine, I replied. Are you excited?, she ask. It’s just another day, I assure her. Yeah, but it‘s your day, she reminds me. I did not reply. 43, I’ll be in six days and what is there is be excited about? I feel my age today and there is nothing exciting about it!! I creek when I stand up. I pop when I bend. There’s not even a word to describe the sound I make while doing things 😩!! #life
I am celebrating the fact I no longer have a cycle, however, my hormones are a lingering reminder of times when. Yesterday and today would be the days. I had a hysterectomy about three months ago. All went swimmingly. Appreciative of the doctors for their attention to detail. My healing went well and my scaring, minimal. My ovaries remain intact so there’s that.
I declared last Christmas, no more bad holidays! I realize I am the common denominator. Ouch. I can imagine so if previous holidays I felt like this. Meh.
I don’t want to feel out of sorts. I don’t like having consecutive days of maladaptive moods. I rather nothingness over gritty, pessimistic, cynicism. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could write our mood on a piece of paper and offer it to the universe and then … bam! Be given it? I wouldn’t choose bubbly everyday. I hope reading this didn’t bum any of you out. In fact, thank you for listening. It’s important to feel heard on days of venting.
I admit. I came home today, the day after writing this post, to a box on my porch. I didn’t order anything yet I knew the shipper so I excitedly torn into it only to ruin a surprise gift from Mister 🙃 He wasn’t as thrilled as I. I assured him once I realized it wasn’t the package I thought it was (the specific items I asked for), I closed the box without further investigating. Oops! It made my day🤓! Now pushing through the rest of this week doesn’t seem as daunting. It gives me the motivation to finish unpacking and rearranging the house so when I do get to open the packages, I have a clean space waiting for the items to go. I’m off to handle my business.
How well do you handle challenging days? Do surprises motivate you?? Let’s chat!
Stuff takes over. 2022 is the year I am releasing attachment. For someone who holds sentimental value in objects where memories were made (tickets, packaging), destashing will prove challenging. I decided to attempt to combine my memories with the mindless paper purchases of which are many. I am not positive I will be successful.
The task seems daunting. I have collected numerous themes. Some are girly, some flowery, some vintage, some solid and colorful. When I say themed I am referring to the overall aesthetic of different companies. Like shabby chic or farmhouse chic. I do have some of each in my collection, however, neither is true to my style. I purchased a variety of styles in search of my own. Also to sell item bundles. I have shelved the idea of online selling until I can commit fully. But until then I am using the materials to further explore my creativity.
One would assume my preference for more modern design void use of vintage women’s magazine journal ads yet up against a modern picture of Norma Jean aka Marilyn Monroe, it pops. I am work’n it out by dedicating handmade journals to different styles of exploration. I’ve stepped away from having a stagnant idea of how art should appear. This doesn’t make things less daunting yet unlocks compartments of creativity. And that scares me. Lol.
January of 2021 I moved in with my sister. I left the peaceful country with my boyfriend to a convenient city. The details aren’t important but it was about feeling secure while allowing myself to be vulnerable. Once again, my transformation. In September I accepted my boyfriend’s open invitation to move back in. This came following my hospital stay. The belongings I had with me or acquired while at my sisters filled my car for a one-trip move. The remainder of my belongings were in storage. This round of stuff required a Uhaul truck and extra muscle for the heavy items. Two months passed before we could manage to get the storage contents to the house, nonetheless, it arrived (on Black Friday).
The last time Mister graciously opened his doors to me I had significantly more stuff. Through a series of unfortunate events, my belongings were donated, set on fire, … Did I say donated 🤔. Done away with. It was necessary. Who is to say it would’ve ever happened had it not been how it had. I could dwell on the annoying but I choose not to.
The point that I am trying to get to is I have done away with many materials items that have weighed me down and now all that is left is my studio. Oh, wow. I just realized something. All of my studio supplies are fairly new. They also encourage growth, inspiration, and positive challenge. Does this mean I get to keep all of my studios supplies???!!!!
Yes and no
I went ahead and answered that myself. I will be keeping the majority of my studio supplies and all of my tools. Those items I am unsure of what to do with will be incorporated in my journaling or creative challenges. I foresee the others as gifts. Where’s the releasing attachments in that? Well, for one, using the items versus staring at them is a release. And to further elaborate, I will be throwing away the residual scrap papers that I found myself hoarding. Good enough? It’s a step in the right direction. Oh yeah!! My purchasing of paper days was put on hold in April of 2021, after the purchase of a $30 notebook 😳 I needed an intervention 😂 (I’d buy the notebook again. Worth every penny). I am proud to say, I haven’t made a paper purchase since!! How’s that for winning!?!? Does it count if someone else purchases paper as a gift?? Surely not!