8.5.19

Today there was a breakthrough in your recovery. Isn’t it crazy how in one sitting, one conversation with your therapist, you were able to identify this trigger happening six days ago and your sophomore year in high school?

Unbeknownst to me yet came from me?! This is a big day for you and the future success of your healing. Don’t minimize it and don’t obsess looking for all the other times it’s shown up in your life. Just be proud of yourself for once. Although you didn’t realize the work that was being done, you were able to do it without strenuous effort or loss of sleep.

You make me proud Candace. Keep being honest and keep pushing for healing within. Things will fall into place when it is time. You don’t have to force yourself to heal. Just love yourself and you will.

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I’ll Make An Exception

Honored

Although Revenge of Eve is an award-free blog, I’ll make an exception considering I was nominated for the same award twice in the same day.!!

The Mystery Blogger Award

Suzi from My Colourful Life and Cyranny of Cyranny’s Cove both nominated me for this lovely award.

What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

“It’s an award for amazing bloggers with ingenious posts. Their blog not only captivates; it inspires and motivates. They are one of the best out there, and they deserve every recognition they get. This award is also for bloggers who find fun and inspiration in blogging, and they do it with so much love and passion.”

Rules

{I don’t follow rules 😉}

1. Put the award logo/image on your blog.
2. List the rules.
3. Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
4. Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
5. Answer the 5 questions you were asked.
6. Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
7. You have to nominate 10 – 20 people.
8. Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
9. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question.
10. Share a link to your best post(s).

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Suzi’s Questions

1. What is the weirdest thing that has happened to you? Ever?? Probably watching myself from above myself. It was psychosis but I was literally floating above myself and looking at the top of my head and I had my legs cross crossed (up in the chair). My vision was blurry but that was some weird shit!
2. What is your biggest accomplishment? I should probably say my sobriety but it’s my blog. No, it doesn’t generate income or is it the most organized, problem-solving, solution-based space on the web but it’s something I began and have no intentions of quitting. It isn’t that I ever intend to quit anything but it takes A LOT to keep me interested. I have also learned copious amounts of patience by being a self-taught blogger.
3. What are you most proud of? My daughter.
4. (Weird/funny) If you were to be arrested, what would it be for? Marijuana or fighting 😲
5. (Shameless self-promotion) Would you like to be featured as part of my Saturday Shout Out series? Sure!!

Suzi also nominated Cyranny and she forgoe her questions therefore leaving me one set to answer 🙂

3 Things About Me

• My right, big toe was cut off in a bicycle accident when I was three. I rode to the hospital in a firetruck and they had my toe in a ziplock bag of ice. I don’t remember the incident but I have a scar to prove it happened. *did you know our big toes are our center of balance? So if we meet and I tip over just standing there, it’s my normal 😂
• I will not ever eat broccoli or cooked cabbage!
• I am of the original candy kids. Candy kid is a name given to youngsters who travel to go to raves. A rave is a party where edm (electronic dance music) is played at extremely high volumes while laser lights dance all over the crowd. Drugs are plentiful but most commonly distributed is extascy (mdma). I was friends with a lot of the headliner DJ’s and the speakers were my stage. It allowed me to breathe amongst the crowd and feel the beats through my feet, to my core. “Candy” is the jewelry attendees make, wear, and exchange as a display of love, terming us Candy Kids.

And that about wraps this up folks!!

Thanks Suzi and Cyranny for thinking of me!! Feel free to participate and say I nominated you!!! Let’s see if you follow rules better than me!

❤

Officially…

It is Official

It is the last weekend of summer vacation, for the last time 🙁

My daughter starts her senior year in five days!! Wow! It hasn’t quite registered that 13 years of schooling will soon come to an end but waking this morning the thought hit me.

I mean we look forward to these days, right? I have almost made the decision to leave this area when my daughter graduates and writing this makes it seem as though I need to make the decision. Not permanently rather explore and be wowed. I need to stand on the edge of a volcano, next to a waterfall, or count the stars from the desert. I am restless. Bored and starved of inspiration.

But before I think about any of that, I must make sure to take each day, from the first day of school to the last, to be present with my daughter. Recovery is a wonderful thing but it doesn’t give back the days you lost while actively using. I knew when I had my daughter that she was it for me and instead of absorbing every milestone, we cheered and moved on to the next. Accomplishment after accomplishment checked off making each a distant memory. There are things I wish I had made a bigger deal and of course, the opposite is true. My goddaughter starts kindergarten this year and that really brings all of this into perspective. My child will soon (February) be an official adult.

She has always been treated as a person, never a child and that makes me wonder if that was the right approach. How much of a childhood did she really have? Does she appreciate that we’ve always respected her as an individual? Should we have done more to make sure she wasn’t too mature?

There are so many unanswered questions but from looking at the way she carries herself, presents herself, makes decisions, and respects herself, I must say, we (our family village), did some things right. Sure she is a little lazy, some days entitled, and other days moody but for the most part, she’s a decent, kind, compassionate, and persistent young lady.

But annnnywayyyys!

I finally got around to editing my site icon. Whatcha think about? Personally, I’m dig’n it.

I will end this note with please be kind to yourself today. You deserve the finest pleasures and joy just as much as the next guy. I love you and really, that’s enough for a few people!!

Be Kind to Yourself

❤

Currently. Perfect Timing.

I sit in solid darkness.

My phone light reflecting off my face.

A campfire to my right, my child in the tent to my left (when I’m outside of the tent), an industrial fan that sit on top a plastic box care of Circle K (common gas station), a waterfall directly behind my right ear, and crickets inside my head. This is the sounds that soothe me.

Comfort me.

Calm me.

Lightening bugs flicker everywhere.

Whispers are heard over the insect sounds.

Teens chuckle as the river flow make a faint crisp sound.

I am in heaven.

My heaven.

Tomorrow, I’ll be in extascy floating on a tube drifting in and out, gazing at cloud patterns, cold, clear, clean water under my ass.

Turtles popping up as fish scurry to the top. Do fish scurry?

Anyways. I feel at peace.

Yes, I am still using technology but it is because everyone else is already asleep. And I did all the damn work!!

Jus kid’n, the 3 of them contributed 25% total. 😂 but I love them still the same. 💟

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Oh, yeah. I came here to let some shit go and I’m gonna do just that.

💟

7.26.19

Sigh

Literally.

As of this moment, I am in mini vacay mode and omg, does it feel…like, a panicky-calm. I know. I know.

But it’s true. I panic because I am waiting for the day I just say, “I’m not going back”. The day where I give into my dream of camping through life. Living rugged. Earthy. Outside. Weathered.

But inspired everyday from what my senses feel around me.

While I am a fiery force to deal with I am a country girl at heart. Not a cow girl. I am a nature lover. I could ditch every form of communication and live like a frontier person. Yeah, it’d take some getting used too but I know I’d be more fulfilled than I am currently.

It seems when things become instant, gratitude goes out the window.

A Warriors Battle Cry

Check out my latest post on Best Life Collaborative

https://accessibleaba.com/bestlifecollaborative/a-warriors-battle-cry/

And While It May Be

And while this transition may be painful I’ve realized where the struggle lies. I am letting go of the me I built to protect myself, the only me I know. I am learning to control myself. Not the things around me.

Call it 40, or whatever you’d like but I know for me, it’s awkward as fuck. I don’t know if you realize what I just said in that first paragraph but that shit is A LOT for me.!.!!!.!

I am ashamed to be myself and that is the damage done by my father wanting me to be someone I’m not. These revelations are coming to me in waves. And guess what?? I’m not drowning. Maybe I’m floating but so what, I’m aware, learning, growing and giving. I don’t want to resort to being a cold-hearted bitch because that’s not me so I’ve decided to do for those who are unable to do for themselves. Help them to believe in themselves. Give those a chance that others dispose of. I will prevail from this darkness a stronger person than I went in and when I do, I will be ready to be used as the vessel I chose to be.

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For the record, I didn’t feel like that was me speaking but with confidence I publish this post. Not as a warning but as a prediction.