Intact Yet Out of Whack

I am considering, once again, going off my medication. Yes, I am stable. Yes, I am reliable. Yes, my creativity is still intact but I am bored with life. Typically I am full of life. Loads of passion. I’ve been called animated. Charismatic even. All of those compliments go by the waist side when I am medicated because all of those characteristics are out the window when I am medicated. The only way I know how to feel like myself is to stop taking the antipsychotic I take. I, of course, would then up my antidepressant to help with my symptoms. Dare I say I’d rather be crazy than boring any day! There. I said it. And I mean it.

The only part about taking medication that I can tell a difference is my reaction to life. Perhaps since I have acknowledged this I can now work on it. I have an emotional reaction, physically to everything but guess what?? I am used to it. That is how I was created and voiding me of it depresses me significantly. I will continue taking my antidepressant as that helps keep me alive. Really. And I will monitor myself to make sure I don’t start rapid cycling. Damn. Typing that makes it all so real. I have rapid cycling bipolar 1 with psychotic tendencies. Fuck.

Maybe I should stop all medication and crawl in a hole. Ugh!

I spend 90% of my time in bed. The other 10% is spent at work. No, I am not sleeping all that time but I am stuck in bed. Nothing excites me anymore. I need to explore. I need to move my body. I need to shake the 30 pounds I’ve gained from this damn medication. I need to feel like myself 😒 I try not to rant very often but I need to get this off my chest and out of my head. I need to find a solution but is there one? I don’t think I will find resolve considering my circumstances and that sickens me.

I’ve had no motivation to keep up with Monday Morning Mantra. It sucks I can’t even find the umph to do something once a week. Last week I used the excuse, It’s Fourth of July to not post and this week I have no excuse. It’s me. That’s all. Ironically I have been creating a lot. I don’t feel like I’ve been bit by the creative bug more so I am using up materials I’ve acquired. That was a goal for 2022 so maybe I am on track with something.

Having a new puppy is a lot of work especially when the pup is the jealous type. Grrrr. She’s giving me a run for my money so to speak. How do you teach a pup personal space? I’ve been spoiled by my 12-year old dog. He is a Maltese and as laid back as they come. Well the new pup seems hellbent to force him to play tug of war by chin checking him with a toy in her mouth. He’s old and wants nothing to do with her. He gives in every once in a while but for the most part wants to be left alone. She requires attention 100% of the time and frankly, I don’t have it to give. Not at 100%. We ordered her a training collar with a beep, vibrate, and shock setting. We haven’t had to use the shock setting because the vibration and beeping are working, temporarily. She doesn’t seem to retain discipline. It’s been difficult to say the least.

I have been on YouTube a lot lately. I like to watch videos of art journaling, stationery hauls, and anything else to do with paper 😂 It calms my active mind. I’ve also watched a few Netflix specials.

I don’t know how to process mundane. It’s too slow for me. I don’t even know what I mean by that but tis how it is. Let’s see how things go. I have a doctors appointment on the 18th so I can increase my antidepressant. We will see what happens 🤓 I ain’t scared 😉 I have the tools I need to succeed 😝 *shakes head* Don’t ask me. I’m off to treat myself to a yogurt with fruit, honey, and granola. Yummy!

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Attitude Adjustment

Just when I think my depression is waning, it waxes. Ugh! Since September of 21, I have been battling laziness. As soon as I overcome my laziness in pops depression. Why? Is it the heat? Is it the never-ending demands of my job? Is it the new puppy we adopted? Or is it simply the way depression operates? I’ll never know for certain but I think it’s a combination of it all. You would think that I would have accepted it by now. Accepted that bipolar depression is not something that I can control. I can, however, look after my mindset and my outlook. Sure it’s difficult but it makes a world of difference.

I am grateful for:

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Creativity

A roof over my head

Air conditioning in my home and in my car (it’s fixed🤗)

Hope in my heart

Compassion

And last but not least,

my job.

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I have been having creative spurts that I am using to make a coworker a journal. Her birthday is in November and me carrying my notebook prompted her to share that she too likes to write. So…what better gift than a handmade journal, right? I will make sure to take pics of the final product to show y’all. I wish I had done that with the others I have gifted. In total, I’ve made about 15. Two of the fifteen were ordered while the remaining 13 were given as gifts. The most typical response I’ve received is, I don’t want to mess it up!! Everyone is afraid to add their artwork to them so with that in mind I made this one with bare bones and included matching papers for use by the new owner. Problem solved. I hope.

I have a three-bedroom, two-bath home with 2 acres of land. It is made a home having Mister, two pups, and a cat. We live in a state that has many days of heat advisory so having central heat and air conditioning is a must. We are fortunate to have it because not everyone does. You may remember me saying that my car’s a.c. was acting up. It is now working making my drive to work tolerable.

Despite the weight of depression, I have hope in my heart for better days. This hope extends beyond my depression. It reminds me that with compassion for myself and others I will survive. And last on my list, work. I am grateful to be employed and to pay my bills on time. Work is more stressful than not but I push through each shift with a smile on my face. Sometimes my smile will drop but I do my best to remember that the shift doesn’t last forever. We are short-staffed. This inevitably puts more strain on the existing staff. Working in the restaurant business comes with its own struggles so adding more work presents a difficult dynamic. It seems a vicious cycle that my employer can’t seem to get ahead of.

This practice of gratitude helped shift my attitude from blah to grateful. Some days this practice isn’t easy. Yeah, it’s easy to write a list but to truly honor that list you’ve got to sit with it. I am fortunate in many ways that when I am feeling cheated or slighted I have plenty to remind myself of. Just having my basic needs met is enough to cherish. Do you ever find yourself in a rut of ungratefulness? What helps you to appreciate what you have?

Until next time

xoxo

Monday Morning Mantra

Welcome to Revenge of Eve’s

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Each Monday I shuffle and draw two cards from two sources, a box set and a deck. The box set boasts encouragement, self-love, goals and focus while the deck affirms our individual power. I then use the two cards to guide me throughout the week. I place the cards on my refrigerator as a visual reference and I write them daily in my journal as written reference. If I find myself experiencing unwanted emotions or challenging thoughts I refer to the cards drawn. I have found this to be an empowering and powerful exercise. One that I decided to share with my readers.

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This week’s Monday Morning Mantra is going to be a little different. I am not drawing cards from any deck but I will leave you with three very important affirmations to guide your week.

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I am enough

I am whole

I am worthy

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I think simplicity is the key this week. Keep these three affirmations at the forefront of your mind. Say them aloud. Say them to yourself in the mirror. Write them in your journal. Recite them however you choose. The goal here is for you to believe them. Your encouragement for the week is:

Keep it simple!

Give me some feedback!! Has this series helped you throughout your week? Do you use affirmations in your daily life? Let me know in the comments.

Until next week!! Remember, keep it simple! Xoxo – Candace

Madness

It's weight
Savage
Mind
Body
Soul
It ravages 
Depleting on
Average
All it passes
Familiar
Heavy
And did I mention 
Savage?
Soul-sucking
Unapologetic
Madness
Turmoil
Chaos
Damage
Silent
Overwhelming 
Sadness
Apathetic
Numb
Indifferent 
Recovery

Tech Stuff

It’s been a while since I have done any behind-the-scenes tech stuff but my theme is expired -which sucks btw because it is bad-ass – leaving me vulnerable. I used to enjoy exploring and punching buttons to discover the function but nowadays, not so much. All of my posts over the past two years have been designed to streamline my themes feed. Ie, no title images. I love the minimal look and my theme offers just that. I want the focus of my blog to be the words written so I limit the distractions. I purposely do not run ads on my blog for this very reason. Basically what it boils down to is it’s inconvenient and annoying but I will survive. Just a heads up if you happen to pursue my sight and things seem a little wonky. No worries. It’s just me.

It seems my life and evolution have come to a screeching halt. I used to have plenty to blog about in terms of learning life lessons but nowadays, nothing. Oh, believe me, the break is welcomed, however, the dryness of the blog is a concern. I am not fretting over it like I used to. I suppose when you neglect something it is put on the back of your priority list so there ya have it.

I am working on building my confidence as a writer. So it’s possible I will blog more frequently. Not a writer in the sense of writing books but perhaps offering writing services. I’ve always felt like I am a great proofreader as I notice every misspelled word. Another thing, I always have an opinion after scrolling a website as far as user-friendliness is concerned. These are two skills I am thinking of honing in on in hopes that I may establish a new career.

I’ve been disconnected a lot lately and it is affecting my relationship. Rightfully so. I can see why my previous relationships went the way they did. Or at least I acknowledge my part in the failure. I’ve lived much of my life disassociated and to disassociate is easy. Dare I say natural. But me not being present isn’t fair to my partner. He is worth me trying and getting unstuck for so I will do just that.

Going back to blog talk, I have been working with others in trade for reviews. My blogger outreach post has sent a few folks my way and I couldn’t be happier. So make sure to keep an eye out for future posts. You may find something that interests you!

If you are really interested, subscribe to receive the Garden in your inbox. I update there before I do on the blog. So get your R.O.E. news first and hit that subscribe button 😉

Monday Morning Mantra

Welcome to Revenge of Eve’s

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Each Monday I shuffle and draw two cards from two sources, a box set and a deck. The box set boasts encouragement, self-love, goals and focus while the deck affirms our individual power. I then use the two cards to guide me throughout the week. I place the cards on my refrigerator as a visual reference and I write them daily in my journal as written reference. If I find myself experiencing unwanted emotions or challenging thoughts I refer to the cards drawn. I have found this to be an empowering and powerful exercise. One that I decided to share with my readers.

Affirmation

I learned a saying a while back, What others think of me is none of my business. This is true as is this week’s affirmation. What others think about us has nothing to do with us but rather their perception of who we are. Just because others have an opinion does not make it our truth. What one person sees as pushy another will deem assertive and another, a leader. We are perceived through varying filters therefore it is more important that we let go of the opinion of others. Our freedom relies upon it.

Encouragement

Other people may try to extinguish your flame with their perception of you. Never let someone dull your light. Keep shining bright!!

Have a happy week!!

Monday Morning Mantra

Welcome to Revenge of Eve’s

---

Each Monday I shuffle and draw two cards from two sources, a box set and a deck. The box set boasts encouragement, self-love, goals and focus while the deck affirms our individual power. I then use the two cards to guide me throughout the week. I place the cards on my refrigerator as a visual reference and I write them daily in my journal as written reference. If I find myself experiencing unwanted emotions or challenging thoughts I refer to the cards drawn. I have found this to be an empowering and powerful exercise. One that I decided to share with my readers.

Affirmation

This weeks affirmation is a mouthful. We are reminded that we are safe. Everything is working out for our highest good. If you find yourself living in fear, refer to this week’s affirmation.

Encouragement

I apologize for being late last week and this week with Monday Morning Mantra. Today I was distracted by YouTube 🤓

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